I felt a relief, a letting go, room to breathe on Friday night as I picked up Brad from the airport. It was late, really late but time didn’t matter, my hubby was back in the Valley with me.
He visited many times over the last 7 ½ months of this journey. But this time, this time was the first that it was just me and him. Saturday, we had many projects around the house in Peoria to accomplish, but I felt like we were on vacation. Sadly, we didn’t sleep in, his three-hour time change and my lack of quality night sleeps, woke us up at sunrise. We went out for breakfast and though our to do list was long, there wasn’t a hurry or stress.
The day was wonderful and needed; we felt free. In the past 25 years, thankfully Brad and I have made taking vacations a priority, just me and him. But too often, when we left, I was running, I was running away from the responsibilities, the hurts, the hard… I was tired, or I should probably say exhausted. I wanted to be with Brad but, as I reflect now, I wanted to be free of life. It was my escape.
We were talking today about future travel plans, family events and social engagements. Each of these are not new conversations; we have discussed them often over the years. But as we were talking, in the back of my mind, this phrase kept repeating “I don’t have to figure out what to do with Bryson”. Free, that word again, almost foreign, heaviness of grief, a niggling of guilt, a tinge of joy.
Each of these emotions represent my feelings this past week since Bryson moved out. He is doing good. Good, maybe I should say normal as anyone who moves away from home would feel. When I saw him for the first time after he moved out. He used a word that has never left his mouth before, and he demanded me to pack up his bags. It was hard leaving but there was also relief that he could express his emotions.
Melissa, his new caregiver, is amazing, caring and she has worked in the disabilities field for over 20 years. She gets Bryson, she understands. Her texts were reassuring, and we had a breakfast date this past week and her words were a balm to my soul.
I am holding life in a different frame today. The view is one of letting go, adjusting the focus, blurring out the surroundings and taking a snapshot of what is ahead for us. The picture isn’t clear, as the old-time polaroid, you must wait awhile before you can see it clearly. Brad and I plan to take our time traveling home next week. YES, I’M COMING HOME. I’m looking forward to this time of sightseeing, adventure, and freedom. There is a part of me, scared to come home. I want to be there with all my being… but I have changed, life has changed, life kept happening in Elkhart County without me there. I realized today I have been gone almost the length of a school year, a pregnancy.
Bryson’s appeal case is in good hands, we have hired a lawyer who has advocated in the disability world many times. She is fighting for us, so we don’t have to. We are paying personally for Bryson to be in the home now until the fight is over. The battle isn’t over, but I see hope, it looks like we will have several more trips around Jericho…l know and you warriors know too…..who wins!
Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. Keep them coming… the picture hasn’t quite developed yet, the image is still unclear, but my faith rests on the ONE who KNOWS it all and can see clearly… how lovely and beautiful it all will be.
Wonderfully spoken!
Hope to see you before I move!
❤️
Beautifully written mama, you are one amazing human being, and I love you. You’ve taught me so much about strength without even opening your mouth.