Encouragement

Encouragement, Family, Health, Special Needs

Letting go bit by bit….

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Letting-go21It was June 2010; 2 years after Bryson had received the life changing diagnosis of Juvenile Diabetes.  Along with the other special needs that Bryson had, Brad and I still wanted Bryson to experience summer camp.  We found out about a Diabetes Camp for children held in North Webster and we decided this would be a great opportunity for Bryson to be around other kids with Diabetes.  Bryson wasn’t truly excited about going but he agreed and plans were made for him to attend.  To be really honest, I was looking forward to a break from 24/7 care of Bryson and his Diabetes.  I had booked a flight to Alberta, Canada to spend time with my sister-in-laws while Bryson was at camp.

The Sunday afternoon arrived for us to deliver Bryson to camp and I started seeing fear in Bryson’s eyes as we were finalizing packing his stuff.  He became angry and decided he was not going to camp.  The next 2 hours were some of the most difficult with Bryson.  During this stage of Bryson’s development he didn’t have control of his anger or behaviors and when he got angry you didn’t know when the kick might come or the push or hit.  Brad and I tried to reason with him that it would be a great experience for him.  I read the fear in his eyes and my mommy heart started to break, was this really what I should be doing to my son?  Finally after about 2 hours and we were pushing the deadline for check in at the camp, Bryson finally calmed down and reluctantly got in the car and we made the 45 minute drive to camp.

Checking in and meeting his counselor went smoothly and Bryson seemed to have gotten to a reserved state of mind and was obedient and corporative in looking around the camp.  We pulled the counselor aside and told him what had transpired at home and he said he would help with the transition and everything would be ok.  We started walking out of the cabin and to meet up with the other campers in Bryson’s cabin and all of a sudden Bryson realized we were going to leave.  I saw the wall build and I knew what was coming.  The counselor immediately distracted Bryson and offered to go play basketball with him.  I looked at Bryson and I told him, “you go play basketball for a while and we will be here.”  Bryson reluctantly walked away and started to play.  What we did next, as I type this still breaks my heart.  We walked away and left him; with no goodbyes… we just left.  The counselor knew what we were going to do and kept Bryson from turning to see us.  WE LEFT HIM…

I cried the entire way home and sat in his room for the next several hours after returning home. My heart was wrenched with loneliness and thoughts of what have I done to my son?  Will this scar him? Will he hate us for leaving?  Will he be ok?  Do they know how to take care of him?  I have only cried such a deep heart cry like this several times in my life.  Words can’t describe the heartbreak that I felt.  But most of all, my baby that I was caregiver for was gone for a week, I had wanted this break but at that moment I realized how much my life was all about him and his care.

The camp called us that day and told us that he was fine and had adjusted well.  I flew out the next morning for my vacation.  I had a good time with my sister –in-laws but really as I looked back on this trip, I realized how much I was trying to run away from the hurt and acceptance of having a child with so many special needs.  Running away wasn’t the answer but where I was in my journey to acceptance, this is all that I could do.

A little extra note… Bryson’s camp experience didn’t end very well, Thursday Brad got a call that Bryson had fallen at camp and so Brad had to go pick him up and sure enough Bryson had broken his right arm.  When I got the call, my heart experienced all sorts of emotions.  Here I was Bryson’s primary caregiver and I was thousands of miles away.  Brad managed fine and it was another one of those defining moments.

So why have all these memories surfaced today?  Well I had to let go a little bit more this weekend.  Bryson is currently with the Maple City Chapel Youth group at their annual retreat.  I originally wasn’t going to have him go, I knew it would take someone to be his one on one buddy and my hurts and pride thought “does anyone care to do this for Bryson?”  I was humbled again by caring hearts as the youth pastor came and talked to me about Bryson going along.  I told him my feelings and he immediately said that he would find someone to be that buddy for Bryson.  All the details got worked out and because of the Fairfield football game Bryson needed to come later to the retreat.  Another caring heart called me and offered for Bryson to travel down with her sons after the game.  After the game as the Fairfield players were dealing with the tough loss, we waited around because I wanted to make sure that Bryson was paired up with the boys taking him before we left.

Emotions surfaced again for me, I was letting go of Bryson, letting him drive 45 minutes away with 3 other teenage boys to a youth camp for 2 days, really?  As Bryson walked off the field with one of the players and I walked to the vehicle, memories of walking away 3 years ago rose in my chest.  This is a totally different situation, Bryson was excited about going… but I had to let go a bit more.

Bryson had been on my mind a lot today, I’m thinking about what his blood sugars are?  How he handled the overnight accommodations, is he fitting in?  Worried he might have a seizure.  But God is telling me as I write, I have to let go……. Yes, Bryson has limitations and is different in a lot of ways but my trying to protect him is not going to accomplish anything.  I think I ultimately never thought Bryson would be able to have experiences like these, I think I need to have an attitude adjustment and open my mind up to all the possibilities that my powerful and amazing God has for Bryson and just trust HE will provide for ALL of Bryson’s needs!!!

Letting go is good but boy is it tough……

Encouragement, Life Coaching

Tests

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testSo when you think or see the word TEST what comes to your mind?  For me, it is flashbacks to my school days full of high anxiety and stress.  I was a shy, overweight child and suffered from low self esteem.  But at an early age I realized that I just might have some smarts in my brain.  So I piled all my worth into school and grades.  All through my school days, I drove my family crazy, especially on nights before a test.  I made them quiz me, I poured over my notes, memorizing every detail, every fact.  Yes, all of it paid off and I got the marks I wanted but with it came a stomach ulcer when I was 16 years old.  Tests were not my friend and I shiver when I think of taking a test today.

I am currently taking Stress Management as one of my Life Coaching classes.  I am learning a lot about what stress does to the body and ways to manage it.  The instructor made a statement this past week that has stuck in my head and is the thought behind this blog post, “there is no testimony without a test.”  As you have discovered my feelings about tests, I have mulled over in my brain the tests I have taken not in the school classroom but in the classroom of life.  Life tests that have pushed me beyond where I thought I could go.

Let me name some of my tests:   growing up with a special needs aunt; being overweight and insecure; losing my father; coping with being a special needs parent; Brad’s work accident; Brad’s lung surgery; Bryson’s Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis.  These have been some of the BIG tests in my life.   There have been a lot of smaller tests too.

As I think about these tests, I shiver about some of them too.  I didn’t like these tests! The difference with these tests then the tests at school, (except for the pop quizzes) I didn’t have time to study and prepare, they just happened many without warning.  So what am I to do with these tests?  I am learning that these tests are what have shaped me into who I am today, they have become my testimony.   I am realizing that just as each of the tests that we had to take in school were to measure progress, each of my life tests have been to measure my faith in God, my love for family and my values.  These tests have given me my purpose, my passion and a voice to encourage and help others.

Tests can be hard and they can be life changing, I encourage you to reflect on the tests that you have experienced in your life and see how God can use them and your testimony for His glory.  If you would like some accountability in discovering the purpose and plan God has for you, contact me at lisa@lisajplett.com.

Encouragement, Special Needs

Emotions in my heart

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bryson and refI have been a basket of mixed emotions this past week as I have watched my son Bryson, be embraced by the Fairfield Football team and coaches.  This is Bryson’s third year of managing, so it isn’t a new thing but it is different because as a 9th grader, he has been thrust into the “big leagues” of high school football.

Listening to his nonstop talk about where the next game is to be played and analyzing if the team is ready to win is interesting but also exhausting.  Bryson is a BIG dreamer, he has shared how he wants to lead the Fairfield Varsity team out onto the field when they get to the State finals at Lucas Oil Stadium. He also dreams of coaching the Colts some day.  He doesn’t think small, he believes all things are possible.  This quality has and will take him far but we, as his parents, have had many situations in his first 15 years where we have had to squash his dreams and tell him No, that isn’t possible for him and helped him to refocus his dreams.  Just one example of refocusing has been from playing football to managing football.

This is why my heart swells with gratitude for the Fairfield football team and coaches, as he has started his high school managing career.  I have not had to squash his dream about wanting to work with Coach Miller or his excitement about being on the sidelines on Friday nights. This dream is coming true and in ways that bring tears to my eyes.  Caring parents and coaches who are making sure he gets what he needs and feels apart of the program.  A coach who has just started getting to know Bryson, notices his love for Notre Dame football and gives him two tickets to the home opener.  Giving him the task at the varsity game of taking water to the refs during the game, those acts of giving and including are what Bryson’s dreams are made of, chances and opportunities.

My heart is full of emotions.   As a mother you only want the best chances and opportunities for your child.  But when you have a child with special needs, it looks different.  When you know that his opportunities are limited, the little things are what really matter.  Over the years I have allowed my heart to harden in trusting people to give my boy a chance, an opportunity.  Time and time again I have been humbled at the kindness and love Bryson has received.  So why do I continue to doubt?  As I sit here and ponder that question, I’m not really sure of the answer.  Maybe it is just the protective mother’s heart, willing to jump and attack anyone who just might hurt their child.  I don’t know but with  tears falling down my cheeks, I do know that I can let my heart soften, that I can trust because I know I have seen with my own eyes people loving, giving and embracing my son just as he is.  Maybe that is all I really want anyway, I want people to see the value in my son, even though he can’t play the game or he won’t get a high school diploma.  Each child has been placed on this earth for a purpose and plan by our Heavenly Father and I know and believe that through the kindness of family, friends, coaches, teachers and classmates, that Bryson will discover what his purpose here is and that makes this mom’s heart swell with gratitude to all who are helping shape him and who love him just for who he is.  Thank you.

Encouragement

Psalm 119

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Psalm 119 is a lengthy chapter is the Bible.  The writer is anonymous, but I believe as he was writing, he was pondering  several questions, what does God asks me to do and what do I need of God? I believe God, through the writer wanted us to know the answers to these questions.  I took some time awhile back to dissect the chapter.  Here are my findings from this passage.

What does God asks me to do?

God asks me to follow His instructions, search for Him with all my heart, obey and hide His Word.  He asks me to study, reflect, meditate, understand His Word and not forget.  He wants me to praise, rejoice, delight, cling and pursue.  I need to understand I was chosen to be His.  Remain faithful and to put His Word into practice.  I need to walk with eagerness, longing to obey and speak with delight of His honor and love for me.  He wants me not to turn away but promise to obey, to hurry and rise and thank Him with belief and delight and put all my HOPE in Him.  In my meditating continually and always thinking about Him to accept, stand in awe, see the truth  and find joy in my longing for Him.  He wants me to pant with expectation, feel overwhelmed as I cry out to Him as I rise early and stay awake thinking and praising and rejoicing that I have chosen to follow Him and praise will always flow from my mouth and my tongue will sing.

What I need God to do?

I want Him to open my eyes, teach me, give me understanding and turn my eyes from evil.  I need Him to reassure me and renew my life.  I ask Him to comfort me and be merciful, but also to discipline me.  I want Him to promise me, surround me, protect me, rescue me, sustain me and restore my life.  God don’t leave me, guarantee a blessing for me, deal with me, come and show me.  Help me to understand your Word, guide my steps.  Oh God, hear my cry, argue my case, take my side, protect my life and give back the life I lost.  Listen to my prayers and teach me with a helping hand.  Find me God!

I see myself asking God for these things often and I am humbled knowing that He will do all of them for me.  It is what He does out of His love for me.  As I read these it makes me want to make sure that I do the things He asks of me with more passion and purpose.

There were other words that I took out of this chapter that could be turned into a mission statement for my life.

I want to live with joy and integrity, not be ashamed, living as I should a foreigner in this land.  My desire is to always be overwhelmed with the happiness and hope that I have found in You and Your Word.   You are my only hope, you have done many good things, you have died for me and I want to be your servant.  Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.  You are a refuge and my shield. I believe all your commands are true and I stand forever with great peace because You are my delight.

Encouragement

So the Lord must wait for you…

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I have Isaiah 30:18 highlighted in pink in my Bible and this morning it leaped out at me especially the first part. “So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him..”  It reminded me that God is always present but that He is waiting for me to make the move.  It isn’t HE that has grown distant but me if I don’t feel Him.  The second part of the verse is what I long for from my Heavenly Father “so He can show you His love and compassion.”

What a convicting and humbling reminder that I am in charge of my relationship with God, He wants a close connection more than I can imagine and He is ALWAYS there,  He is just waiting for me to come.  What have I let get in the way?

God, forgive me for making you wait, I come to you now with my praise and thanksgiving for being a God of love and compassion.  You have showered me with blessings to many to name.  Thank you for your patience with me, your child.

Has anyone else kept God waiting lately?  He has a lot of love and compassion just waiting for you.