Family

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Fear and Flashbacks

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I woke up at 4:30 am yesterday morning, anxious and weepy. I laid in bed for an hour crying as silently as I could. I didn’t want to get up and disturb the household. Finally, at 5:30 I ventured upstairs and started working on a puzzle to relieve my mind of all my negative thoughts.

I realized my current thoughts and anxiety were linked to past experiences that had affected my life.  Let’s flashback to the years 2014 and 2015.  Those were the intense years of Stevan’s adoption process from Jamaica.  We had to work directly with the Jamaica government, there was no rhyme or reason to when they would review our case. There was no timeline on when it would be complete and Stevan could come and join our family.  I had no control!

Yesterday afternoon, I talked to our lawyer after her phone call with the State of Arizona.  The State of Arizona wants a continuance of the hearing.  Susan, our lawyer, told the state’s attorney all the details that she has prepared in our case.  The main grounds that the State of Arizona is basing their case on is “the fear of running out of insulin”  Susan, told them that this is not a MEDICAL reason to place Bryson in a skilled nurse group home. Susan’s next words have played in my mind since the phone call “you can’t build a case on a fear you have about the future!” The State wants control!

As I ponder, control seems to be the driving force.  It is what I yearn for in many areas of my life. Last fall, while living in the RV, I read The Cost of Control: Why We Crave it, the Anxiety it Gives Us, and the Real Power God Promises by Sharon Hodde Miller. It is a powerful book of truths. Sharon states in the book “The problem is, control is a “devil’s deal.” The more we seek it, the more it betrays us. In place of predictability, it gives us anxiety. In place of certainty, it creates more complexity. And in place of unity, it divides. It’s not just that we cannot control things; it’s that we break them even more when we try.”

 It’s easy to get entangled with the need for control. Sadly, it has ruled my life. 

My anger is at the State of Arizona, but as God is revealing to me, I  need to get mad at satan and to put on my full armor and fight against the principalities, rest on God’s promises and to LET GO AND LET GOD!

A dear friend sent me an email full of the promises from God’s Word on Wednesday.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  Psalm 91:2

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13

What next? The State is asking to move the hearing back to August 1. This will give them more time to figure out a good solution for this case.  MORE TIME?!?! As of now, the brief statement needs to be submitted by July 18.  Susan believes it can be settled by then because the State’s attorney doesn’t want to spend all the time preparing her brief when she knows she can’t win.

Last night, after the phone call I needed time alone and I listened to music while I worked on the puzzle again.  The song Hallelujah Anyway by Rend Collective came on.

“Even if my daylight never dawns
Even if my breakthrough never comes
Even if I’ll fight to bring You praise
Even if my dreams fall to the ground
Even if I’m lost, I know I’m found
Even if my heart will somehow say
Hallelujah anyway.”

This morning shortly after I woke up this chant started playing in my mind….

“I believe, I believe, I believe we will win, I believe we will win! (thanks to the Fairfield sports cheering section for this)

Letting go and letting God… it’s hard in the even ifs, it’s hard in the fear, it’s hard in the flashbacks. But the ONE who saved me, will deliver me and HE HAS WON!

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Another Delay

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Nothing was resolved yesterday; the judge didn’t put something in her notice for our lawyer to file the brief/statement. So… another delay. Our lawyer is planning to talk to the attorney tomorrow afternoon to hopefully resolve this. That attorney is heading for vacation on Friday. I’m frustrated and tired. The final hearing is still scheduled for July 18. That is a full court hearing with testimony etc. I don’t want that.

I realized last night; I am going to the worst-case scenario… what will happen if God doesn’t provide a miracle. I spent 8 months in Arizona, I have spent hours filling out paperwork, dissected Bryson’s every ability and inability… Bryson is happy where he is living with his new family. What if they say NO again?

What is His purpose for this delay again? He is done many miracles and He can, but I also know about unanswered prayers. I try to look for the good in all of this… I’m trying.

Thankful for the words from Christine Caine this morning on Instagram “you are going to have to trust God even when you can’t trace Him. You’re going to have to replace your “what if” fears with “what if” faith. What if God comes through? Has to be bigger then, what if I fail? What if God makes a way? Has to be bigger than, what if there is no way? Remember, impossible is where God starts. Miracles are what God does.”

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. This battle has been so long.

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety, Uncategorized

Mustard Seed

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This afternoon at 5 pm eastern is the prehearing phone call between our lawyer and the State of Arizona.  To be honest and raw, my faith is small.  I want to believe… I want to be positive….

The trauma from 2 past decisions that the State made has caused me to question.  I know that God understands, and I know that He will take my mustard seed faith and can work miracles.  I need a miracle God!

Our family traveled to Manitoba on Sunday.  Brad took the long way back to his homeland.  We left early Sunday morning and dropped Brad off at Midway Airport in Chicago at 6 am. He boarded a plane to Phoenix and arrived there at 9:30 am Phoenix time.  Our friends, Gordon and Lynette, had picked up Bryson from his home and brought him to the airport.  They did a Bryson exchange… and Brad and Bryson boarded the next plane and left Phoenix at 12 pm.  They arrived in Minneapolis for their next connection flight to Winnipeg in the midafternoon.  Everything fell apart that this time…their connecting flight to Winnipeg was delayed and delayed until finally canceled at 12:25 am on Monday morning and rescheduled for Tuesday night! Try to explain that rescheduling timeline.  There were no hotels available in the area.  Finally, at 4:30 am Brad and Bryson climbed into an Uber and drove to a local gas station where Brad had to get cash out of the ATM to pay for the Uber drive and they were Ubered from Minneapolis to Grand Forks, North Dakota, a 5-hour drive! They arrived there around 9:30 am and Brad’s brother and brother-in-law drove the 4 hours down to get them and picked them up at 11:30 to drive them home.  Brad and Bryson finally with his family at 3:30 pm on Monday.  Exhausted and frustrated.

We also believe that when Brad opened Bryson’s suitcase in the airport for his seizure meds, his extra Dexcom sensor must have fallen out because we couldn’t find it anywhere. He needs a new one on Wednesday. Brad was able to find some online from a Canadian supplier and we are praying that they arrive tomorrow.

With these two incidents’ happening the last couple of days… my faith started getting weary and discouragement set in.

It was so good to see Bryson and he was happy to be with the Plett side of the family.  We have not been here as a family since 2019. 

The shenanigans started when we arrived on Sunday night, and I expect nothing less from them. 

I have been communicating with our lawyer all day today as she is preparing her argument.

I need all my prayer warriors again!

Thanks!

Encouragement, Family, Special Needs

Lord, Help!

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As I was reading through Psalm 107, I was impacted by the words from verses 6, 19 and 28.  All three of these verses are the same “Lord, help! They cried in their trouble, and he rescued them from their distress.”

Distress feels like a very intense word, and I can recall the many times in the past 9 months when I felt like I was living in that place.  Since I have been home and adjusting to life here, I have focused on the fact that Bryson is happy and I’m working on finding the new normal.

Yesterday, I received an email from our lawyer about Bryson’s hearing date with the State of Arizona.  I was jolted out of my “settled in” place and realized the battle has not been won.  Yes, Bryson is happy and with an amazing family, but my checkbook reflects the fact that the battle isn’t over.  We haven’t accomplished the ultimate goal of approval to pay for Bryson’s placement in an ADH (Adult Development Home)

Bryson’s hearing date is scheduled for July 18. Our lawyer has requested a prehearing conference and that is scheduled for June 27.  This is where she will present all the evidence to show that Bryson does not need a skilled nursing group home to handle his diabetes equipment. Our lawyer has worked on many cases like this before and she has been able to get the decision overturned during the prehearing call almost every time. 

I ask you join me… Lord, help our lawyer deliver with confidence the evidence she has gathered in Bryson’s case.  Lord, help the person who is hearing this case to hear the truth and to see what is best for Bryson’s placement and future. Thank you, Lord, for listening to our prayer!

Thank you!

On a lighter note…. As I was sitting writing this, Gus came and joined me at my desk. He loves watching the birds out the window.  He isn’t very helpful as his tail is constantly moving onto my laptop.  I’m glad that his tail isn’t hard because he whips it back and forth quite violently at times.

I’m thankful for Gus and Rizzo, they cause me to smile often even when the day seems hard.  

Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Nesting

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Life changes are hard and bring so much “unknown” into the future.  I have learned over the years that my “unknown” sparks my need for control.  I can’t control it, so I go hunting for things that I can control and that is why I NEST….

Nesting is commonly associated with pregnancy.  It makes sense, the future is unknown and what can you do while you wait and anticipate the birth.  The definition of nesting is “the tendency to arrange one’s immediate surrounds, such as a workstation, to create a place where one feels secure, comfortable, or in control.”

I came home 2 weeks ago and as I had stated in an earlier post, the house needed a little TLC… I also needed something that I could physically do to distract and help me reenter life in Indiana.  Within the first week I ordered a new area rug, and I started decluttering my house.  I love trinkets and I would say I didn’t have an overabundance but since I have been home, I have felt like there is too much everywhere. 

Last weekend, I had Brad go with me furniture hunting.  Brad is aware of what I am doing. He has seen it before.  He would admit he doesn’t understand this need but he was a trooper and supportive. 

We have lived in our current house for almost 17 years. As I look back over these years, there were times here and there that I had experienced minor nesting episodes.  Then…  Stevan finally arrived home in Goshen, July of 2015.  This life change altered every piece of me and our family as we knew it.  I spiraled downward and my nesting tendencies intensified.  I redid the entire upstairs of our home, painting, flooring, furniture, color scheme in the fall of 2015.  Did it help with my spiraling depression? Yes and no, it gave me something to focus on and I could be an active participant in making my home new and beautiful. 

When life seemed hard and ugly, I was fighting to see beautiful.

Next big nesting experience was in 2018.  The summer of 2018 brought several traumatizing events into my life.  Several months later, I redid our den, painting, wallpapering, new flooring, and new furniture.  Again, I ask…did it help? Yes and no, again it gave me a project to focus on when my mental and emotional health was tanking, and my world felt out of control. 

I have been in a hard space emotionally, mentally, and spiritually over the last years.  God has been faithful, and He has shown me His mercy and His grace over and over. The world surrender enters my mind often and letting go of my need for control.  I know it’s the best, I try, and I succeed for a bit and then I try, and I fail, repeat… repeat….

So here I am again, nesting and feeling very conflicted with this latest life change.  I have felt a freedom I have never experienced before and truly starting to enjoy this new season.  But also wrestling with guilt, missing Bryson, worrying about his case with the Arizona government, his future, my future.

As I wrestle with these emotions and as I write my feelings on paper, God speaks to me…

“Your need to make things beautiful in your world is ok… but MY way, MY plan… I got this for you, I have beautiful plans for you… trust me daughter… it’s ok to let go and rest.”

Desert Living, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Busy

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I have been home for eight days and have hit the ground running full speed ahead.  I have gone to a funeral in Louisville, ate supper with Stevan in Louisville,  had a doctor’s appointment in Ohio, attended a wedding and helped serve soft serve ice cream at a graduation open house.  Those were just the big events!

It’s been a mixed bag of emotions….

The intense hugs of my friends have been emotional. 

Sitting on the back porch with Brad, Ty and Kaden brought joy and contentment to my soul.

Lunch dates with best friends have been healing. 

Seeing the kitchen island bare of medicine brings tears to my eyes.

Going to the store and seeing the items I always bought for Bryson sends a pain to my heart.

Realizing the responsibility of emptying the dishwasher falls back to me makes me groan.

My mind telling me I have to go pick up Bryson from work at 3; then realizing that is no more… that thought hit hard.

I don’t feel settled at home yet! The house had missed my TLC over the last 8 months and I’m working on bringing it up to MY standards! Rizzo and Gus, I think, are glad that I am home.  My alarm clock on Sunday morning was Gus biting on my toes!

I miss the palm trees, bright blue skies, cactus, hundreds of choices of restaurants and my favorite shopping places within minutes.

I think Elkhart County roads are too narrow, there are too many potholes and trains.    

Friends keep telling me to give myself time…. time…. that word again, in this instance,  it’s not a time of waiting, but time to adjust, time to grieve, time to discover what’s next.   We are still waiting for the appeals hearing for Bryson’s placement, but I know that is in good hands with our lawyer. 

It’s been hard, God is faithful… that is where I will place my heart and let Him carry me.

Desert Living, Family, Uncategorized

Home

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Day 241…. I arrived back to my home in Goshen! It is home to where I have lived for almost 17 years, but it does feel foreign. Home has been the desert for a lot of days.  I’m glad to be here but there are mixed emotions.  I keep telling myself to “give myself grace.”

Bryson is happy, we said our goodbyes on Tuesday; Brad and I left to travel home on Wednesday morning.  There are still obstacles ahead:

Government approval: our hearing is scheduled for June 28.   

Bryson to find a job; waiting for Vocational Rehab to get approved.

Bryson to find connections in the community.  We left him with people who already care for him and will provide him with a great home life.  We rest in that place.

I have many more things I could share now, but I need to settle back into home. I will continue writing, writing has been healing and I have a lot of that to do regarding the changes that have happened. 

Thanks for your prayers, I have felt them carry me!

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Breathe

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I felt a relief, a letting go, room to breathe on Friday night as I picked up Brad from the airport.  It was late, really late but time didn’t matter, my hubby was back in the Valley with me. 

He visited many times over the last 7 ½ months of this journey.  But this time, this time was the first that it was just me and him.  Saturday, we had many projects around the house in Peoria to accomplish,  but I felt like we were on vacation.  Sadly, we didn’t sleep in, his three-hour time change and my lack of quality night sleeps, woke us up at sunrise.  We went out for breakfast and though our to do list was long, there wasn’t a hurry or stress. 

The day was wonderful and needed; we felt free.  In the past 25 years, thankfully Brad and I have made taking vacations a priority, just me and him.  But too often, when we left, I was running, I was running away from the responsibilities, the hurts, the hard… I was tired, or I should probably say exhausted.  I wanted to be with Brad but, as I reflect now, I wanted to be free of life.  It was my escape.

We were talking today about future travel plans, family events and social engagements.  Each of these are not new conversations; we have discussed them often over the years. But as we were talking, in the back of my mind, this phrase kept repeating “I don’t have to figure out what to do with Bryson”.      Free, that word again, almost foreign, heaviness of grief, a niggling of guilt, a tinge of joy.

Each of these emotions represent my feelings this past week since Bryson moved out.   He is doing good.  Good, maybe I should say normal as anyone who moves away from home would feel.  When I saw him for the first time after he moved out. He used a word that has never left his mouth before, and he demanded me to pack up his bags.  It was hard leaving but there was also relief that he could express his emotions. 

Melissa, his new caregiver, is amazing, caring and she has worked in the disabilities field for over 20 years. She gets Bryson, she understands.  Her texts were reassuring, and we had a breakfast date this past week and her words were a balm to my soul.

I am holding life in a different frame today. The view is one of letting go, adjusting the focus, blurring out the surroundings and taking a snapshot of what is ahead for us.  The picture isn’t clear, as the old-time polaroid, you must wait awhile before you can see it clearly.  Brad and I plan to take our time traveling home next week.  YES, I’M COMING HOME. I’m looking forward to this time of sightseeing, adventure, and freedom.  There is a part of me, scared to come home.  I want to be there with all my being… but I have changed, life has changed, life kept happening in Elkhart County without me there.  I realized today I have been gone almost the length of a school year, a pregnancy. 

Bryson’s appeal case is in good hands, we have hired a lawyer who has advocated in the disability world many times.  She is fighting for us, so we don’t have to.  We are paying personally for Bryson to be in the home now until the fight is over.  The battle isn’t over, but I see hope, it looks like we will have several more trips around Jericho…l know and you warriors know too…..who wins!

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement.  Keep them coming… the picture hasn’t quite developed yet, the image is still unclear, but my faith rests on the ONE who KNOWS it all and can see clearly… how lovely and beautiful it all will be.

Family, Special Needs, Type One Diabetes

Alone

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This morning at 3:30 am Tucker and Kaden left to head back to Indiana.  I was officially alone in the house.

I’ve been alone before; this alone is different – this time it’s the empty room, empty pantry shelf where all Bryson’s meds were stored, no daily pill container on the countertop, empty shoe rack – reminders of a new kind of alone.

The move went well on Thursday afternoon.  Kaden, Jake, and Tucker were rock stars in helping me turn the new room into Bryson’s room.  It didn’t take long after we arrived that Bryson left us working in his room and he was downstairs chatting with Melissa.  Yes, Melissa is the name of his new caregiver mom.

Introducing Melissa and Marc, Joe and Stevie and dogs Mrs. Beasley and Georgia

My brain was not functioning at its best on Thursday, my emotions were high, I was in robot and shock mode. As I stated before, thankfully the guys took charge and got all the necessary things done. We were starving when we left and hit a local pizza place.  The guy’s chatter was a balm to my weary soul. 

In a previous blog post, I talked about distractions, distractions kept me busy yesterday, helped keep my emotions in check.  I’m good at keeping my emotions in check, I’ve done that well for 51 years.  They have leaked out a lot over the last few weeks but I’m good at patching the leaks and collecting them inside of me.  I feel sealed off from them now… my head is observing the empty, but my heart is cold.

I believe God uses shock to help our bodies deal with hard situations.  I’m waiting for it to wear off and let it sink into my new reality and future. 

I left Bryson at his new home 42 hours ago, in that time frame, he went out to supper with his new family to a sports restaurant to watch the Phoenix Suns with Marc.  Marc loves sports.  He attended the day program ARCH and had pizza for lunch.  Melissa changed his insulin pod with the aid of a video and Bryson coaching her through the entire process.  His blood sugar readings have been perfect, he even got a unicorn… in the Type 1 world when your blood sugar is 100 it is called a unicorn… because it is magical! (OK so I haven’t turned off his blood sugar readings and alarms yet… I will soon) He also attended ARCH Spring Prom last night and was on the Royal Court as a prince.  I’d say that was a good first 42 hours.

I’m thankful for the pictures that Melissa has sent me, and I know she will continue.  Bryson looks happy in them.  I haven’t talked to Bryson since we left, I will head over today and bring paperwork that I forgot on Thursday.  I’m excited to talk to him and connect more with the family. 

Thanks for all your prayers… please keep them coming…. It’s the weeks ahead that will be the hardest. 

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs

Move in Day

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It has been 12 days since I got the devastating news that DDD of Arizona has denied my appeal for Bryson to move into the home we have chosen for him.

That has not stopped us, we are shifting and realigning the plans and directions.

We have had meetings and it has been decided that we will place Bryson in the home we have chosen for him through self-pay while we fight this appeal.

As I was talking to a friend on Monday, how anxious I am now that the time is finally here to transition Bryson.  She said, “just see it like he’s going off to college”.

This week I have been reflecting on that quote and it has given me hope.  I have already moved one child to college, I know how to do this!

So how is this move like college?

  1. College cost money unless you’ve got a full ride scholarship, Since Bryson is such a big sports fan let’s use the illustration that he is going to play on the basketball team! Bryson is a walk on right now he’s heading to college going to pay the dues, but waiting till the scholarship comes in.
  2. He is leaving home for the first time and moving in with strangers. New roommates that he’s only met several times; with hopes the dynamics of sharing a household will work.
  3. He will be attending a day program during the day. It isn’t academic, but it involves schedules, participation, and social engagement.
  4. This isn’t permanent.  If it doesn’t work out, we have options and we can make changes. 
  5. He is only a phone call away; there are people close by who will step in as “mom” if he needs some extra love and care.
  6. As with college kids, they are out of your household but always still in your heart.
  7. We aren’t sure if this will end up being a 2-year program, maybe he will get his masters or doctorate. We don’t know the future, but God holds it in His hand.

The family that Bryson is moving in with has two other clients in their home.  The youngest one always says “he is going to college” when he heads off to the program.

Every day has a PURPOSE.

Thursday (TOMORROW) afternoon is MOVE IN DAY!

Today I am packing and checking the list to make sure I have everything together.

Kaden, Tucker, and Jake are back from their National Park adventure and will be my “moving team”.

We’re going to set up his room, as we would a dorm room, add all the personal touches that will make it Bryson!

We will keep praying, God is on the move, and we will wait for the time to come when we will hear that Bryson has got his full ride scholarship!

I hope soon I can introduce you to the amazing family that we have chosen for Bryson.  Each interaction I have had with them brings joy and peace to my heart.

I have contacted a lawyer and will be speaking with her today on the next steps in fighting.

Prayer requests:

  1. For clear direction on how to fight
  2. Fast resolution of this appeal
  3. Bryson as he transitions, I can tell he is nervous and that is normal.
  4. For me as I am a mess thinking about letting him go
  5. His new family will have changes in welcoming a new member to the family.
  6. Peace and strength for Brad, as he is walking this same journey but from afar.  

Thanks again friends, family, and prayer warriors, you each have been vital in this journey!