Family

Adoption, Family

The Power of Presence

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IMG_7611Our trip to Jamaica is complete, the mission of our trip was accomplished, and I learned a good lesson through it all. I struggled before we left about how Kaden and I were going to bond with a twelve year old boy. I knew the atmosphere of the orphanage, the emotional needs for attention and affection. I knew having three sons that communication isn’t always their top priority and especially when it involves their feelings. So how were we going to bond and connect with Stevan?

The truth of the matter is that we had spent only one hour together before. So we were really starting out again as strangers, strangers in reality but family because of God’s plan. How do you go from stranger to mom and brother in a few days? It started slow, Stevan’s smile upon seeing us was proof that we had made a slight dent in April when we met with him. There was recognition and maybe a sliver of hope in his eyes. To be honest it was awkward for me, I was nervous, my mom heart has been praying and loving and crying for this boy, I had so much emotions inside to express but to him I was still a stranger. We sat down and asked the typical questions you ask a stranger when you need to start a conversation. Thankfully the house mothers gave us privacy on the first day and only several other kids were around. We showed him pictures of our home and community, I asked him numerous questions which were answered with one word. We played UNO, we played DOTS. But the majority of the time it was silent, just playing. My heart wanted to say so much, but just did not know how and wanted to be cautious in not overwhelming Stevan, I didn’t want to think he was being interrogated.

When I went home that evening to reflect on our day, the theme that kept running through my head was “The Power of Presence.” I pondered through it and was struck with such a peace and an understanding of what this trip was about. Stevan needs to know I love him and that might not involve words. I am a very wordy person, through writing and speaking. My closest friends know how much I love to talk. I also don’t do well with silence. But God wanted to teach me something through this trip, sometimes just sitting with someone speaks louder than any words can and also that God wants me to sometime just sit in His Presence, not asking or praising just to be with HIM.

The next day I didn’t feel forced to communicate and ask a lot of questions to Stevan, it would have been hard anyway because this day we didn’t get the privacy and we were surrounded by about 25 children hungry for affection and attention. My heart was at rest, I sat back and watched, I watched Stevan’s interaction with the other kids, I watched how fast he could make rubber band bracelets on his fingers. I watched him sneak little peaks at me with his beautiful eyes. I watched the interaction between Stevan and Kaden. I sat off to the side and talked to his house mother Ms. Joy. I learned so much in watching, Stevan knew I was there. Love happened that day just through the power of being close.

By Sunday, he grabbed my hand to hold. Ahhh….. that was an amazing feeling. I was still present, I was available to him, he knew I was a safe place, he had felt my love. Did our communication increase after that? NO, but that was ok, he continued to answer the few questions I asked and that was good, but we continued to just hang out together. He loved the music on my phone, he loved to look at my pictures over and over. He loved playing games on Kaden’s iPod. We successfully started the bonding process and we moved a few more notches over from stranger to family.

We learned some hard facts about Stevan’s history through our adoption worker, I heard some great things from his house mother about him. I also got to talk to his pastor at church and she spoke good things about Stevan. I learned more about his schooling. I got a lot of questions answered and I have a lot of questions that still need to be asked. Captain Palmer, the orphanage director was not there so I never got to meet her and ask her questions. There is still paperwork on the Jamaica side that needs to be completed, there is not an adoption board meeting in August because of it is a holiday month, so as of now we should be ready for the adoption board meeting the middle of September with a home date first of October. Is that concrete? As adoption goes, not at all, but that is our prayer and hope. Our family is so ready for this next step, our family isn’t complete anymore in Indiana, there is a piece missing and when I said good bye to Steven, I confirmed with him that I can’t wait to be his mother and that his family is waiting for him. The power of God’s presence has been amazing through this journey. I am so grateful that God is always sitting by watching me and loving me and inviting me into a closer relationship with Him too!!!

Adoption, Family

God’s Timing

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I have been praying since we started the adoption process for Stevan (just found out that this is the correct spelling of his name on his birth certificate) to be home by August. When I think of Stevan and his needs; being here to start school on time would be helpful; not arriving in the winter would be great.  I shared this a while back with a friend and she said to me that we need to realize that God’s timing is the perfect timing and our ideas might not be the same as His. This left me a bit dejected and questioning “isn’t it ok to ask for a miracle and for the things that would be most helpful to Stevan?” So I continued to pray for it but with less energy and passion as I had before.
Over the past several weeks, the adoption has made progress but looking at the entire process in all reality I came to the realization that August would have to be a TOTAL GOD THING, because humanly it definitely seemed out of the question. We were told our case should be ready for the adoption board by August because it will miss the July deadline because they are waiting on Stevan’s medical exam. So I let go and told God I’ll just wait for His timing.
Yesterday, I got to talk to a father who is in the process of adopting their second child from Jamaica and he gave me some amazing advice of things that I can do to help speed up the end process. He also told me that the adoption board isn’t meeting in August because it is a big holiday month and they won’t have it. I felt let down, that means we will have to wait until September. This father told me that the July adoption board is meeting this Saturday. So my mind started spinning, what if Stevan’s medical came this week, would there be a small chance that our case could get slipped in? Because I was also told that after the adoption board approval, it could only be several weeks until he could be ready to come home. Then my HEART stopped, what several weeks? The whole thought freaked me out. I have been praying for August; my mother heart has been loving him and so ready for him to come home, but could it actually happen in a few weeks? I’M NOT READY!!! How could I think that? The best for him is to come home now, but what if I’m not emotionally and mentally ready? What if God’s timing is to wait a few more months because HE knew that I needed more time to prepare for this life changing event.
So my heart has been rocked today as I wrestle with the possibility of a miracle from God, but also telling God, I think you might be right, I’m not sure I’m ready yet. My conclusion as of now is that this is another step in my faith journey of trusting God that HE knows best and His Timing is always PERFECT. So if it is next month or October, I know that there is no way I can do this adoption without His strength, guidance and peace. He will make me ready for what Stevan needs from me when he comes home. I’m learning how HARD adoption is mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and I haven’t even brought him home yet. But I’m BELIEVING with 100% faith that this will be one of the best things that I will experience in my life. It’s all in God’s TIMING!!

Adoption, Encouragement, Family

Is Love ENOUGH?

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heartLast night we went out to eat as a family to celebrate Brad’s birthday. As we were waiting for our food, I asked my boys if they realized how spoiled they were. They responded with yes they knew and right away one of them said, “Stephen probably never has been able to go to a restaurant like this.” We went on to talk about all the things that Stephen probably has not done and all the new things that we will need to teach him.

I have been thinking about this conversation and a lot has been going through my brain. What are the reasons why Stephen would want to be adopted? He probably is unaware of the many 1st World opportunities that he does not even know what all will be available to him, so is it just for LOVE? The love of a family? I know what I want to offer him, I want to offer him love, family, hope, education, dreams, purpose and a lot of STUFF!! I want to give him a nice room, his own bicycle, electronics and the list can go on and on of stuff that I think he might want or need. Yes all of these things seem important to us because it is what we KNOW but what is going to be most important when Stephen comes home? Our total love and acceptance; because as we give him these he will then be able to know and understand God’s love for him.

I am feeling convicted in my relationship with God. Why do I want to be adopted into God’s family? Is it just for love or do I think and demand stuff from God? Is my relationship with God strong to the point that His love and acceptance of me just as I am is ENOUGH? What if my prayers are not answered and life is hard and painful and I’m not getting all the STUFF that I want, is HIS LOVE enough?

We are living in a society where we have access to so much stuff that I think we become spoiled and bogged down with trivial things and lose out on the meaning that God so intended for His children. He has adopted all of us into His family out of His incredible LOVE for us PERIOD! That’s all folks, God desires a relationship with me and He offers me that LOVE freely, no strings attached and I get a BIG FAMILY of other Christ Lovers with it too!

So as I put myself in Stephen’s shoes as an orphan with NOTHING to my name and Jesus came and said “LET ME LOVE YOU, I’m not promising you riches, glory or stuff, JUST LOVE” Would I still say YES? My head screams YES OF COURSE, but my heart says I need a bit more work done, I need to lay down my expectations and IDEALS and just take God at HIS Word…. I LOVE YOU LISA and that is ENOUGH!

Adoption, Family

Living with My Hands UP

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roller coaster    The week before we left for Jamaica I was an emotional wreak.  I was hearing conflicting reports about things in Jamaica and just didn’t know what to believe.  I shared this will some of my friends and I told them I was on a roller coaster ride.  I DON’T LIKE roller coasters.  There are two reasons why I don’t; first I get physically sick when I am on one.  My stomach just can’t handle the curves and up and down moves.  Second of all, I like to be in control, I want a firm grip on what goes on in my life.

One of my friends responded to my email about my emotional mess with these words “Just thinking to the subject ‘roller coaster ride’ … that it is for sure….and what is good about a roller coaster?!?  Riding with your hands up, letting go of everything – especially expectations and enjoy the wild and crazy ride!  Be carefree – not because you don’t care, but because you TRUST the ONE TRUE GOD!”

Do you remember what I just said was my second reason I don’t like roller coasters?  She truly challenged me when I read it.  I copied the quote onto another piece of paper and packed it to take with me to Jamaica.  I also mentally put the image of my hands up in the air in totally surrender to God as I boarded the flight to Jamaica.  I wanted to let go and TRUST, I wanted to put my hands up, but to be honest I was terrified.

We went to a resort for the first 2 days and yes I enjoyed the time together, swimming and soaking up the sun but I was not relaxed, I still held a firm grip onto my worries.  My stomach continued to churn on occasion.  I kept bringing up the image of my hands up, I read through my devotions and pleaded with God to help me BELIEVE AND TRUST HIM.  My heart believed but my head was holding on to all the details and worldly concerns.

Tuesday we left Montego Bay to head for Mandeville where we would be staying for the next 3 days.  The distance between these two places is not far, but it is about a 4 hour journey due to hair pin curves, pot holes and narrow roads through the mountains.  I trusted our driver, but my reason one of not liking roller coasters became obvious as I had to bury my head in Brad’s lap with my eyes tightly closed to survive the nauseous waves that would go through me.  We arrived safely to our home in Mandeville.  Our family stayed in a 2 bedroom rental.  No internet, no phone, no TV… we were told to not go outside the locked gates of the house.  Our driver left and it was just our family left there in the middle of this tiny island far far from home.  Bryson’s comment was that we were like the Amish; Ty clarified that at least we had electricity!!!  I caught Ty standing by the locked and barred screen door and asked him if he felt like he was in prison, he answered with a yes.  Through all the differences, we settled in…. we were served amazing Jamaican food by our beautiful cook Karen.  We bonded together as a family in a way we probably hadn’t before.

Tuesday night, I couldn’t fall asleep right away, getting used to the dogs barking and other noises of the neighborhood.  As I lay in bed, I cried out to God for complete TRUST….  HE heard me and reminded me of his miraculous power and I cried myself to sleep.   I woke up early Wednesday morning and went to spend some time in the Word.  This is the scripture He gave to me; Isaiah 41:13 For I hold you by your right hand- I, the Lord your God.  And I say to you, Don’t be afraid, I am here to help you.  God was moving, I felt the grip start to loosen, I was totally out of my element and it was GOOD because HE had my hand, He was there to help!

On Wednesday we sent the boys off to a Basic school (3-6 years olds) with the youth group from Brad’s home church in Manitoba, Canada.  (The youth leaders were Brad’s niece and nephew) Brad and I headed to Kingston with our Jamaican friend, Patrick to meet with Stephen’s social worker.  Our meeting with her was brief but good.  She clarified that Stephen had no family and was available.  All that needed to happen to make sure things were fair was to run through their database to make sure that no other family had applied before us for a 12 year old boy.  Most people want to adopt 2-6 year olds so I wasn’t worried, but I just wanted to KNOW.  We were told that we would know by the end of the week.  (we haven’t heard yet) but I’m OK with that.  I had shared with the social worker and adoption coordinator at the agency about how God directly spoke to me about Stephen being a part of our family.  It seemed from their reactions that they were both Christians, they just stated “if it is God’s will it will happen.”  I let go a bit more of my grip, God is working…..  He has people in place that BELIEVE.

Brad’s niece and husband are in the process of adopting an 8 year old boy from the same orphanage as Stephen.  They had been having a hard time with some of the workers and weren’t sure that they would get to see their son.  We had been given a letter on Wednesday that gave permission for us to go to the orphanage and see Stephen on Thursday.  So Thursday morning, I went with them to see their social worker.  After discussion and several phone calls, the plan was for the orphanage director to bring both boys to the agency at 4:00 that afternoon.  I had been up at 5 that morning and spend time pleading and seeking God for a miracle for them to see their son.  I saw God moving again and I could feel myself let go even more of my grip. At first I was disappointed that we wouldn’t get to go to the orphanage for the whole family to see where Stephen lived.  But God revealed later to us; HIS plans were better than ours.

We send Thursday with the youth group going again to the basic school the boys had been at the day before. They were having their annual sports day.  It was fun to watch these kids participate in their races.  I couldn’t keep from checking the time often.  The time felt like it was going so slow.  I was going to meet Stephen again, this time with a love in my heart that had been beautifully placed there by God.  What exactly do you ask a 12 year old boy?  What do you talk about?  I didn’t want to overwhelm him with five people surrounding him asking questions.

We arrived to the agency before 4 and I set in the back of the van for awhile seeking God’s face for wisdom and peace.  The sky produced a heavy rainfall and we had to run into the agency.  We were called back and into the room, there he sat in a big board room chair.  The boy who had captured my heart.  As Bryson, Ty and Kaden entered the room, Brad asked Stephen if he remembered Ty and the way Stephen’s eyes lit up, I think there was some recognition.  We used pictures from my phone to break the ice.  Showing him pictures from our trip up till then in Jamaica and pictures from home.  Then we started asking him questions.  He wrote the answers out on a piece of paper and nerves started to calm down and there were smiles and bonding started to happen.  My mind raced at all that we should ask him, we kept it to fairly light questions; favorite sport, food, color etc.  Finally I leaned over and asked “Stephen do you know that we want to make you part of our family?” He replied quickly acknowledging that he had known before.  I was relieved because he didn’t seem upset or too scared.  I felt that words were said in peace.

I had been worrying that maybe I was wrong in my impression of him at our first meeting last July.  But after a short time of interaction it was confirmed that my impressions were right, a beautiful, kind, soft spoken and smart boy. It was awesome for me to watch Brad and Stephen bond.  My amazing husband, who said YES with total blind faith about this boy.  Brad told me later how he had been worried too if I had been accurate on my impression of Stephen. We took pictures and the hour went too fast.  We told him we had no idea how long it would be but we would come get him and we left him there.  My heart ached but also I felt this flooding of peace that he would be OK, God had Stephen in the palm of HIS hand, I can TRUST.  AS we walked outside the rain had stopped and it had cooled the temp down, it was like God was breathing a freshness into me.  I felt a lightness about me and as I think about it now I think my hands were up in the air with open palms.

My life journey has been filled with many roller coaster rides full of UPS, DOWNS and twisting TURNS.   I found God’s comfort through the loss of my dad; peace and courage through Brad’s accident and lung surgery.  I have felt God’s strength, hope and understanding through the life of Bryson.   Each of these experiences have brought me to a new place of trust and to a deeper place of fellowship with God.  But I have to be honest this journey that started on November 7th has taken me to a place that I haven’t experienced before.  Each of the other experiences were out of my control to start with; I had to rely on God and trust HIM because of what had been given to me.  This journey I CHOOSE; I answered with a YES; I stepped out into the UNKNOWN; I put myself on this roller coaster ride!  With one obedient step I got into the coaster car along with my family; I fastened my seat belt and I told God GO…… I’m all in, I’m here for the ride that you have called me too……  Yes, I know that it has taken me awhile, (I’m a slow truster) and because I’m not perfect I will find myself griping the bar with white knuckles again.  I don’t have clear answers or a timeline for this journey, but for now I am going to put my hands up, let go of my expectations and enjoy this wild and crazy ride with HIM.

Adoption, Family

Anticipation

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jamaica mapIn a month from now our family will be traveling to Jamaica.  Jamaica, a country that used to bring warm sun and beautiful beaches to my mind, is now a country where my son lives.  I have to sit here and soak on that sentence for a while.  We are hoping to take in a few days of beautiful beaches on this trip but our main purpose is to connect with Stephen.  My stomach does a lot of swirling when I think of this meeting.  Ty and I met Stephen last July and he found his way into our hearts with his genuine sweetness and smile.  But then he was just a sweet boy with big dreams and little hope in my heart; today he is MINE in my heart.

These last days my mind has been doing a lot of thinking about this crazy amazing journey we are on and the faith that it takes each day to live it and I have found myself in awe of my husband, Brad.  Brad has never met Stephen; he has not been to Jamaica except for a ½ day excursion when we were on a cruise.  This wonderful husband of mine is going to Jamaica to meet his son all based on my words about him.  Yes, God has confirmed in his heart that this adoption is what we are to do, but without any connection to this twelve year old boy.   I have asked myself would I be as open to this if I had not made this connection?  God is weaving an amazing story so I won’t stay stuck on that question too long but I do know that this whole adventure is building my faith deeper than I could have imagined.

I have learned that Stephen knows that there is a family that wants to adopt him.  I’m sure he doesn’t remember us from last July because the orphanage has a lot of people coming to hang out with the kids.  I have talked to Stephen several times on the phone but that is all he has to go on.  What is going through this twelve year old boy’s mind?  Is he excited, nervous, afraid, and hopeful????  He probably is all of the above.  How do you approach a boy this age and convey the love you have for him without overwhelming him?  There will be a lot of prayers for direction in this next month.  My prayer is that the knowledge that Stephen knows now will prepare his heart for our first meeting as a family.

Stephen has made his way deep into my heart.  My love for him is indescribable, it is a love that can’t compare to anything else because I know that this love is being built and bonded by my Heavenly Father.  The joy I see in Bryson, Ty and Kaden’s eyes when we talk about Stephen is another sign of that God love that is building.  So we wait….. we wait another 30 + days to make that physical connection; and then we will wait again for the time that the permanent reunion can happen.  Through this journey so far I am amazed at how the power of God is shaking, rattling and rolling my heart and mind and forming me into this new person that knows it is truly 100% about God and HIS plan for me and WOW it is a beautiful and scary thing.

Adoption, Encouragement, Family

On a God Adventure

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jamaicaAs I reflect back on the past year, I can clearly see God’s hand in it all.  He has moved, shaken, blessed and surprised me.  It has brought me to a place of full dependency in some areas and a place of awe in others.  What seemed like different paths He had me on, I can see clearly now, His hand weaving all these paths together for one amazing adventure.

Let me bring you onboard my adventure.  In March, 2013 I started online classes at Light University Online to become a Christian Life Coach.  I completed my classes in November of 2013 to receive an Advanced Diploma in Life Coaching.  At first this was a scary thing for me because I had not applied my mind to education in 20 years.  But I fell in love with the learning and the classes.  My main three electives were Hope Coaching, Stress Management and Spiritual Formation.  I’m just now slowly getting my coaching practice started.

In June, Ty and I ventured on a mission trip to Jamaica with 8 other people, mostly Brad’s family members.  This was an amazing time of discovery and heartbreak for me and it was an eye opening experience for Ty.  I will always remember the mother/son bonding that happened those 11 days.  I just thought I was on a mission trip; well God had bigger plans in store……….. (Just hang on; I’ll get back to this.)

The years of 2011 and 2012 were very difficult for my health, I was dealing with Fibromyalgia like symptoms, I ached all over and was exhausted all the time.  I went through a battery of tests and discovered nothing.  Finally in January 2013, I had my food allergies taken and it showed I was allergic to 19 foods (it included all the normal foods I ate) I went into a mild depression and didn’t see how I could eliminate those foods from my diet.  Then I discovered Isagenix, a nutritional cleansing system that provides your body the nutrition it needs for optimum health.  I started it in August, and immediately started feeling better and I have lost a total of 40 pounds already.  I got my health and my life back.

So back to BIGGER PLANS……. God gave me a great year of learning and education that increased my confidence and gave me a clear career path.  He brought me products that helped restore my health.  He sent me on a mission trip to Jamaica.  In all of these things, I BELIEVE His main purpose was exposed when on November 7th, He spoke to me and He said, Lisa you are to adopt STEPHEN!!  Yes, ADOPT.  Stephen is an 11 year old boy that we met in the summer.  He made a great impact on our mission team.   I was shaking, excited and scared.  I really wanted to bury this and forget I heard this, but it was too strong to bury.  I send an email to Brad at work and it said:

“Brad I am going crazy right now.  I just had a crazy thought or a God moment and I don’t know what to do with it.  This morning I had been praying for some of the kids from Jamaica that I had met this summer like I do, nothing unusual happened.  When I was working out at the gym they had a segment on the today show about adoption, great, made me teary but finished my workout.  Came home and get into the shower and it was like bang… Stephen in the red shirt popped into my head. steven and ty He was an amazing young man, 11 years old, full of vision and love for Jesus.  I had this wrenching in my heart and it was like I need to bring him home.  I have no idea if he is even adoptable and as you can tell, I never had any heart pulls this summer when I was there.  What am I to do Brad? 

I will sit on it, pray it, but what is it??????  I am honestly scared to death of this thought.”                                            

I arrived in Brad’s office 20 minutes after I sent the email and I asked him so what do you think of my email?  He sat there and was quiet for awhile, which to me felt like forever.  Finally he smiled and went on to share how the evening before he had been at a men’s group.  He had been asked what 2 words describe his life currently.  One of his words was unrest.  He had told the men that we had been seeking God as to what He wants for our lives and Brad’s exact words to these men were “we could adopt but Lisa is not very domestic!”  Yep you heard him right.  So when Brad got my email and he recalled the events of the evening before he could only say, YES!

So together we prayed about it, I contacted our friend in Jamaica to see if he could find out if Stephen was adoptable. When we found out that he was available we talked to our boys and they all said YES and the journey began!  We currently have our papers submitted to the US government and waiting for approval.  We have our initial Jamaican papers filed in Kingston and just today I found out Stephen’s last name and birth place.  All of Stephen’s personal information has been added to our file today and now we are waiting for initial approval and then we will submit our entire package to them. Our hearts have totally fallen in love with our new son and brother.  This mother’s heart is full of love and to be honest I am scared.

My word for 2014 is BELIEVE and I am clinging to the promise that where God calls, He will lead and never abandon.  The Plett family’s world is going to be rocked in the next year. I know that God is on this adventure with us and it is all because we listened and obeyed.  The rest has got to be placed in GOD’s hands.  I’m good with that.

 

 

Encouragement, Family

Reality vs. Faith

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The other day I was sharing with a friend about a new exciting adventure that our family is embarking on.  I shared details and my friend asked the question “will it be difficult?”  In my response I stated that it will not be an easy road but I am believing God for a miracle.  His next response was “great, but just as long as you don’t expect it to not be difficult.”

These words have been rolling around in my head since they landed there.  I can’t shake them.  I have been praying for this miracle for a few weeks now and God continues to be providing peace and just amazing faith.  My head knowledge knows that it will not be an easy road, but my faith says the miracle is going to happen.  So where do I land?

I believe as Christians living in this fallen world we have become calloused to God’s miracles.  We only need them in the “BIG” things.  We have become hardened to God’s moving hand because we see so much hurt, sadness and yuck every day around us.  My faith says that God is performing miracles every minute, every second.  But I don’t see them or notice.  My head tells me that the road is going to be tough instead of thanking God for the miracle of the moment.

God asked me the other day if I could trust Him enough with our journey that I wouldn’t even have to do anything on the earthly side and just believe He will do it all the Heavenly realm?  Let go of control, 100% trust?  My head screams NO, NO! But my heart yearns for that faith and peace!

In one of my devotionals, God placed these verses just for me.

“Do not throw away your confidence: it will be richly rewarded” Hebrews 10:35

“Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished” Luke 1:45

I want to live in the “faith” world!  I don’t want my confidence to be thrown out; I want to BELIEVE that God will do what He told me He will do.  I want to live in that world.  But where do I put reality?  I went and read Hebrews 10: 31-36.  The author is reminding them how they remained faithful through terrible suffering, public ridicule, beatings, jail time and all was taken away, now that is the reality of my world.  But the author wasn’t finished and that is where FAITH intersects, the end of verse 34 “you accepted it with joy.  You knew there were better things waiting for you that will last forever. Do not throw away your confidence.”

So what should our response as Christians be to others who are facing exciting, but possibly difficult journeys?  Do we radiate God’s Faith to them or do we keep them stuck in reality?  I don’t know about you but I think I want to go the faith route.  I want to accept the miracles of the moment and the crap of reality all in one shiny wrapped package of JOY.  Because I know in my head and my heart that God will accomplish all the miracles that HE has promised!

Encouragement, Family, Health, Special Needs

Letting go bit by bit….

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Letting-go21It was June 2010; 2 years after Bryson had received the life changing diagnosis of Juvenile Diabetes.  Along with the other special needs that Bryson had, Brad and I still wanted Bryson to experience summer camp.  We found out about a Diabetes Camp for children held in North Webster and we decided this would be a great opportunity for Bryson to be around other kids with Diabetes.  Bryson wasn’t truly excited about going but he agreed and plans were made for him to attend.  To be really honest, I was looking forward to a break from 24/7 care of Bryson and his Diabetes.  I had booked a flight to Alberta, Canada to spend time with my sister-in-laws while Bryson was at camp.

The Sunday afternoon arrived for us to deliver Bryson to camp and I started seeing fear in Bryson’s eyes as we were finalizing packing his stuff.  He became angry and decided he was not going to camp.  The next 2 hours were some of the most difficult with Bryson.  During this stage of Bryson’s development he didn’t have control of his anger or behaviors and when he got angry you didn’t know when the kick might come or the push or hit.  Brad and I tried to reason with him that it would be a great experience for him.  I read the fear in his eyes and my mommy heart started to break, was this really what I should be doing to my son?  Finally after about 2 hours and we were pushing the deadline for check in at the camp, Bryson finally calmed down and reluctantly got in the car and we made the 45 minute drive to camp.

Checking in and meeting his counselor went smoothly and Bryson seemed to have gotten to a reserved state of mind and was obedient and corporative in looking around the camp.  We pulled the counselor aside and told him what had transpired at home and he said he would help with the transition and everything would be ok.  We started walking out of the cabin and to meet up with the other campers in Bryson’s cabin and all of a sudden Bryson realized we were going to leave.  I saw the wall build and I knew what was coming.  The counselor immediately distracted Bryson and offered to go play basketball with him.  I looked at Bryson and I told him, “you go play basketball for a while and we will be here.”  Bryson reluctantly walked away and started to play.  What we did next, as I type this still breaks my heart.  We walked away and left him; with no goodbyes… we just left.  The counselor knew what we were going to do and kept Bryson from turning to see us.  WE LEFT HIM…

I cried the entire way home and sat in his room for the next several hours after returning home. My heart was wrenched with loneliness and thoughts of what have I done to my son?  Will this scar him? Will he hate us for leaving?  Will he be ok?  Do they know how to take care of him?  I have only cried such a deep heart cry like this several times in my life.  Words can’t describe the heartbreak that I felt.  But most of all, my baby that I was caregiver for was gone for a week, I had wanted this break but at that moment I realized how much my life was all about him and his care.

The camp called us that day and told us that he was fine and had adjusted well.  I flew out the next morning for my vacation.  I had a good time with my sister –in-laws but really as I looked back on this trip, I realized how much I was trying to run away from the hurt and acceptance of having a child with so many special needs.  Running away wasn’t the answer but where I was in my journey to acceptance, this is all that I could do.

A little extra note… Bryson’s camp experience didn’t end very well, Thursday Brad got a call that Bryson had fallen at camp and so Brad had to go pick him up and sure enough Bryson had broken his right arm.  When I got the call, my heart experienced all sorts of emotions.  Here I was Bryson’s primary caregiver and I was thousands of miles away.  Brad managed fine and it was another one of those defining moments.

So why have all these memories surfaced today?  Well I had to let go a little bit more this weekend.  Bryson is currently with the Maple City Chapel Youth group at their annual retreat.  I originally wasn’t going to have him go, I knew it would take someone to be his one on one buddy and my hurts and pride thought “does anyone care to do this for Bryson?”  I was humbled again by caring hearts as the youth pastor came and talked to me about Bryson going along.  I told him my feelings and he immediately said that he would find someone to be that buddy for Bryson.  All the details got worked out and because of the Fairfield football game Bryson needed to come later to the retreat.  Another caring heart called me and offered for Bryson to travel down with her sons after the game.  After the game as the Fairfield players were dealing with the tough loss, we waited around because I wanted to make sure that Bryson was paired up with the boys taking him before we left.

Emotions surfaced again for me, I was letting go of Bryson, letting him drive 45 minutes away with 3 other teenage boys to a youth camp for 2 days, really?  As Bryson walked off the field with one of the players and I walked to the vehicle, memories of walking away 3 years ago rose in my chest.  This is a totally different situation, Bryson was excited about going… but I had to let go a bit more.

Bryson had been on my mind a lot today, I’m thinking about what his blood sugars are?  How he handled the overnight accommodations, is he fitting in?  Worried he might have a seizure.  But God is telling me as I write, I have to let go……. Yes, Bryson has limitations and is different in a lot of ways but my trying to protect him is not going to accomplish anything.  I think I ultimately never thought Bryson would be able to have experiences like these, I think I need to have an attitude adjustment and open my mind up to all the possibilities that my powerful and amazing God has for Bryson and just trust HE will provide for ALL of Bryson’s needs!!!

Letting go is good but boy is it tough……

Family

10 years Ago

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brad accident 1

Ten years ago today, August 25, I received a call that no wife wants to get “your husband has been in an accident.”  I was rocking my 3 month old son Kaden at the time and my first words were “is he OK?”  The president of our company was the one who called and reassured me that Brad was talking and that the ambulance had arrived.

As I think back to the moments following that phone call, they were one of panic but also of shock.  I called my mom to come stay with the kids and I headed out to the hospital.  I arrived before the ambulance, which did nothing for my heart.  I can vividly remember sitting in the waiting room so scared and overwhelmed, I did not have any idea what his injuries were.

Brad had been involved in a ditch cave in at a job site.  He suffered a broken pelvis, brad accident 2bruised tailbone and a torn urethra.  Brad was in a lot of pain when I first came back to his room in the ER.  He had been to x-ray already and we knew about the broken bones, but we did not know about the urethra problem until about 10:00 that evening when the doctor asked for a urine sample.  When we saw the blood in his urine, I recall the exchange of fear that went between us.   That was the first time I saw how scared Brad was and it about broke me.  Thankfully the doctors were immediate with their response and he was taken off for emergency surgery to put in a Suprapublic catheter to redirect the urine.  We didn’t realize till later how major this problem really was and Brad could have died if this would not have been caught.

brad accidentBrad was in a hospital bed for 6 weeks in our living room.  There were many doctor appointments and therapies during that time.  Brad remained strong in spite of the pain.  There were times when he didn’t listen very well either.  He was cautioned not to do steps several weeks after the accident but one afternoon I found him sitting in the van in the garage.  He had gotten there himself with his walker and he said “I’m here now, take me to Dairy Queen.”  That determination was a big part in his recovery and healing.

Brad had to wait until his urethra’s bruising was healed before he could have surgery to repair it.  This did not happen till December 4 at the University of Chicago.  We were so excited the following February that everything had healed correctly and the catheter could be removed.

In reflecting over the months after the accident, I sometimes can’t fathom how I survived.  I had a 5 year old son with special needs, a 3 year old and a 3 month old.   I am so grateful for the amazing friends and family who came and helped out during the recovery time.  I want to thank my Heavenly Father for sparing Brad’s life and for extending His arm of peace and love.  I know He carried me through this entire time.  I am so thankful for Brad and the wonderful husband and loving father that he is today.  I love you Brad!