Health

Encouragement, Family, Health, In A Stroke of Love, Special Needs

Mama Knows

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That Thursday morning in September started like any other—until it didn’t. I went to wake up Bryson, my 7-year-old, for school, and right away, something felt off. He wasn’t his usual self, and though his vocabulary was still limited, he didn’t need words to show it. He slowly climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom, and when he returned, he suddenly threw up on his bedroom floor. Bryson rarely got sick like this; in fact, vomiting wasn’t something he’d ever really dealt with. The boy had endured so much in his short life, but this was new.

As the day wore on, he stayed curled up on the couch, refusing to eat or drink. I watched him growing weaker, knowing deep down that something wasn’t right but hoping it might be just a passing flu bug. When the night came, he still hadn’t improved, and I lay on the couch beside him, listening to his shallow breathing. Early Friday morning, I gently encouraged him to try and get up to go to the bathroom, but he refused. I knew then it was time to act.

With my mom’s help to watch my other boys, I called the doctor and was told to bring him in immediately. We managed to get Bryson into the car and headed straight to the doctor. I don’t remember much about the appointment itself, but one exchange has stayed with me. As I was listing Bryson’s symptoms, the doctor said, “I don’t think it’s appendicitis; he’s not in enough pain.” I was taken aback. We’d always known Bryson had a high pain threshold, which was both a blessing and a curse, but in that moment, I realized how much he must be suffering without being able to express it.

When the doctor suggested we wait, I knew I couldn’t just sit by and watch. I insisted we do further testing. After some reluctance, the doctor finally agreed to an X-ray. And sure enough, as soon as the images were reviewed, everything changed. They rushed Bryson to be admitted, and he was prepped for surgery. His appendix was on the verge of bursting.

That night, Bryson underwent emergency surgery. I can’t help but think of the “what ifs.” What if I hadn’t pushed for that extra test? What if I’d simply accepted the doctor’s initial assessment? It was a stark reminder of something I’d believed all along but had been cemented through this experience: as mothers, we know. We carry an intuition that goes beyond words or reason—a deep, fierce knowing that demands we listen, no matter what anyone else says.

To all the moms out there, especially the new ones: trust your instincts. Don’t be afraid to push for answers, to ask, to advocate. We carried our babies within us for nine months, feeling every heartbeat and kick. And Mama, you know.

Adoption, Books, Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Health, Lyme Disease, Memoir

Blessings

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I sit here at my computer gazing out at the sunshine dancing off the evergreen trees in my backyard.  I’m grateful for the sunshine.  Life has been full of many blessings over the last month since I have written here. 

My intentions to write have been good, but actions haven’t followed through.

I feel like I have a lot to share with you. Yesterday afternoon I had planned to write my next blog, but life took a turn.  Stevan was involved in a car accident.  I got the call from Brad at 2 pm while having lunch with a dear friend.  I had just told her in our conversation over lunch, that life has been going so well, my brain is telling me, “When will the next shoe drop?”

As I listened to Brad on the phone, he gave me brief details, and I hurried up and headed for the hospital.  I’m not going to get into the weeds of the accident here, but I learned more about myself through this experience.

Stevan’s angels were protecting him, he walked away from the crash, with a mild concussion and a few cuts.  I know he will be extremely sore for a few days.  My immediate fear yesterday was if this accident would trigger his trauma that he has suffered from his time in Jamaica.  The answer is YES it did, but though my fears were accurate, last night once he arrived home, I saw a transformation in him, and my heart smiled.  Evidence of his growth and healing!

As I sat in the ER room yesterday while he was down for a CT scan, I thought of my plans to write my blog and tell you all the good and exciting things that have been going on in my life, but here I sat in the ER.  Thoughts of “why God” passed through and in the past those thoughts wouldn’t have passed they would have lingered and spiraled and sent me crashing. But this time they PASSED THROUGH” Evidence of my growth and healing!

 I can testify today about all the blessings in my life:

Stevan’s accident though scary, frustrating, and painful physically and emotionally – HE IS GOOD

Kaden graduated from college at IWU on April 27! I am proud of his determination and courage. Those who have followed my blog know of his battle with Lyme Disease.  He is 85% better, and we are continuing to seek ways to help him reach 100% – HE IS GOOD

Bryson is doing well in Arizona. He got to travel with his ADH family to New Mexico for vacation last week.  We are finally working with vocational rehab about a job, but the process is as slow as a snail. Life isn’t perfect for him but – HE IS GOOD

Tyrell and Kaden both got engaged in the past 5 months, super excited to welcome their ladies into our family, one wedding in September of this year and the other next May – WEDDINGS ARE GOOD

Last week we received all the money back that we paid from May – September 2023 to the Arizona Government during the time that they had denied Bryson’s services for his ADH home.  We didn’t receive any apology or admittance of wrongdoing, but seeing that money in my checking account – GOD IS GOOD

On Monday, Bryson’s legal guardianship transfer to Arizona was complete – GOD IS GOOD

Finally… my book!

I received my book back from my editor a week and a half ago.  I have been diligently working on all the edits.  There were many edits, but her kind words “Excellent work on this!” helped me navigate through each one.  My editor did an amazing job of helping me see where I needed to clarify more and dig deeper into my emotions to help convey my story to the reader.  Monday, I spent 11 ½ hours at the computer and I am almost done with the edits.  Next step is to submit my manuscript to a copy editor. – GOD IS GOOD

Writing this book has been therapeutic for me.  As I have journeyed through the past 26 years, I have seen the evidence of my GROWTH AND HEALING! I’m excited to share it with all of you but I’m anxious and scared too. I’ve opened myself up to share ALL of me with you.  In doing this, my hope that someone will read it and be able to find GROWTH AND HEALING for themselves.

In the next few weeks, I will have a better idea when the book will be published.  I’ll let you know.

I AM SO BLESSED! GOD IS GOOD! 

Encouragement, Family, Health, Stress and Anxiety

Family Update

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My posts over the past year have been mostly about Bryson’s transition to Arizona. The process has felt all-consuming at times. I have been home for three months now and feel adjusted back to life here… I think. I have no updates on Bryson’s situation, but life has continued to move ahead.

Last week Stevan came home after a year serving with YWAM Louisville.  His outreach locations were in Columbia and Brazil.

 

Kaden left on Friday for his last first day of college!  He will be completing his Business Management degree at IWU next spring.

We found a new home for Rizzo.  Rizzo has been going to a dog sitter whenever we traveled the last few years.  This family has fallen in love with Rizzo and is excited to welcome him into their family. We are sad but excited that he will be going to a family who already loves him!

Last Friday was the 20th anniversary of Brad’s ditch cave-in accident.  As I sat talking to Kaden about it, I could visualize holding him on the rocking chair when I got the call no wife wants to receive, Kaden was 4 months old. Reflecting on the memories of the following months after the accident, I am grateful that he is with me today and we can celebrate his healing and all the good memories we have made over the past 20 years.

As days, months, years move on…… it’s easy to get stuck in the hard places, in the places that push us out of our comfort zone and bring us to our knees.

 I find myself stuck often, I find myself consumed by anxiety,  I find myself doubting.

But I have grown, I have learned, I have prayed!

 I believe that in those hard places – God is faithful, God is present, God is all knowing, GOD IS GOOD – all the time – and all the time GOD IS GOOD!

Health, Special Needs, Type One Diabetes

Fifteen Years

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It was spring break 2008, our family had not made big plans for the week, maybe Brad and I were feeling a bit guilty that we weren’t on some great family vacation.  We decided mid-week to head north to Kalamazoo for the weekend; go to the Kalamazoo Air Museum and a Kalamazoo Wings hockey game.  We made reservations at the Holiday Inn… I can’t tell you the order of events for the weekend, but I do know that the boys were hungry and we went into the restaurant at the hotel to grab a bite.

Bryson started complaining that he was thirsty and so we gave him Pepsi (our family’s favorite beverage at the time and the worst thing we could have given him), next he had to use the restroom.  I became very frustrated with him, he wanted to drink and he needed to pee… often…. this wasn’t normal.  It didn’t make sense to me. During the hockey game, we were back and forth to the restroom. 

Fast forward to Tuesday, I received a call from the school nurse to tell me that Bryson had peed his pants.  This had never happened before. I told the nurse about the weekend events and she suggested that I call the doctor. 

We arrived at the doctor’s office on Thursday for our 2:30 appointment.  I was just me and Bryson. My mom was watching the other boys. The doctor took his blood sugar and it was in the upper 500s.  I heard the word Diabetes and we need to get him to an Endocrinologist NOW.  I can picture that office, I can remember my shock, my confusion, my ignorance, my panic, my questions.  The doctor said we could take Bryson to Lutheran in Fort Wayne ourselves or call an ambulance,  but we had to leave ASAP.  

I don’t remember my conversation with Brad or my mom, I remember panic…. anxiety.  I remember the ride down, Brad was in front and I sat in back with Bryson, with an empty milk carton if he had to pee.  This marks the first of many trips that we took to Lutheran over the next 11 years.  (4 times a year)

The hospital was ready for us. The nurses were kind and informative, I was totally overwhelmed. They told us we would have 5 hours of education on Friday to learn how to give Bryson insulin shots and to educate us on carb counting.  We would then go home once we had gone through this education.   FIVE hours. that was it… to navigate TYPE ONE Diabetes that changed the direction of our lives forever.

That night I attempted to sleep in the hospital room with Bryson, I remember waking up early to the room shaking.  Fort Wayne had experienced an earthquake.

BREAKING: EARTHQUAKE (Update-5.4 magnitude) April 18, 2008

Many residents were awakened at approximately 5:38 AM EDT by a mild earthquake in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The mild tremors lasted for approximately 15 seconds. The tremors shook windows, furniture, and wall hangings. Mitch Harper, editor, Original content, commentary and analysis © 2005 – 2016 Fort Wayne Observed

I felt like our lives had experienced an earthquake too, Bryson was 10 years old, he had suffered so many hard things in those 10 years already, now his life was changed forever because of this diagnosis, WHY GOD?

I still ask WHY GOD… It has been 15 years today, that we rushed to Lutheran.  It is because of this diagnosis that we are still waiting for his placement with a family in Arizona.

Friends, the past 15 years have been so hard! Because of his disabilities I have been managing it all for him.  I’m tired, I’m mad, I’m still asking WHY!

Bartonella Disease, Encouragement, Epstein Barr Virus, Health, Lyme Disease, Stress and Anxiety, Ticks

Kaden

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(Kaden gave me permission to publish this post)

Kaden, he is my baby, he might not like me calling him that, but I think he knows he has me wrapped around his finger.

Kaden, he is a warrior, the definition of warrior is a person engaged or experienced in warfare; a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness. Let me explain why….

In March 2021 after a stressful year with Covid, school and normal teenage life, he started not feeling well, tired all the time and suffering from all over body aches. I started with the family physician taking lab work. Everything came back OK, and the doctor figured it was stress and anxiety due to senior year and all the things that come with that time of your life. Kaden graduated in the top 10 of his class and survived having to give a speech and school was done, but his fatigue and body aches continued. Our next stop was a chiropractor. He checked him over and agreed that his muscles were tight but figured it probably was just stress and anxiety and told him practical ways to deal with that.

Kaden headed off to Indiana Wesleyan the end of August for his freshman year of college.  On move in day, his roommate’s mom, who is a physical therapist, did a brief evaluation on movements and strength in his arms and legs. She suggested we check in with an orthopedic doctor. When Kaden was home for fall break, we went and saw an orthopedic doctor. Kaden had tendinitis in his elbow, doing his senior season of tennis and had gotten physical therapy for that so we went back to the same doctor to see what she thought about his aches. She did see that his shoulders and neck were tight and prescribed physical therapy again, but also thought it was probably the stress and anxiety of college.

There we were three doctor’s opinions all saying stress and anxiety, I knew that both of these were present in his life, but this mama knew that there was more.

Freshman year of college is always tough, Kaden had a hard semester with the normal stresses, and continued with fatigue and body aches. He pushed through, continued to work out and study hard to get good grades, and he made it through the first semester.

I still needed answers, several of my friends suggested we test him for Lyme disease. After getting a few very God ordained connections, I got the name of a doctor near Indianapolis who specialized in Lyme and other tick borne diseases. We got an appointment for the end of January 2022. We met with her; she was amazing. Her and her husband had started this practice when some family members had gotten Lyme and discovered how much the medical field does not believe in Lyme and so they started their own practice. She took lots and lots of bloodwork and sent it off to California to the main lab that deals with tickborne diseases. On February 25, 2022, almost a year after he started not feeling well, Kaden was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, Bartonella (another tick borne disease) and Epstein Barr virus (the mono virus) Thankfully we finally had answers but finding the right treatment was the next hard part.  He started on numerous antibiotics and natural supplements. 

He completed his freshman year and came home for the summer.  His body was exhausted and he started working but half way through the summer, he needed to quit to give his body time to rest. This was very hard on Kaden, he is a worker and didn’t want to be viewed as lazy.  This started taxing him mentally.  I started researching chronic illness and mental health.  These two are so intertwined.  We saw the doctor at the end of August before Kaden returned to college and we had his labs done again.  We both were very discouraged by this time because he had been on and off many different meds and supplements since February with no relief or improvement. Lab results came back with some good and bad news.  His Lyme and Bartonella markers were better and showed improvement but a third tick borne disease had reared his ugly head, Babesiosis.  Babesia is tick driven but it is different then Lyme. This one attacks the red blood cells and acts a lot like Malaria.  The labs also showed that his Epstein Barr virus was higher than the last time. I was so upset and questioned God, “why something else?”  The doctor switched up medications again to try a different approach.

The last three months have been very hard on Kaden mentally and emotionally.  On the outside he looks good and full of life, but he lives in a continual state of fatigue and body aches.  He is trying to live the college life style but late nights and lots of activity taxes his body and the toll has been cruel.  I’m so grateful for IWU providing him with counseling and disability benefits for his school work load.  I told him that he can come home, that his physical, mental and emotional health is more important than school. He sent me this “putting mental health before my education is a great idea until it affects my education which affects my mental health which effects my education.” Living with chronic illness is a lose lose situation. 

Kaden came out to see me this past weekend, he needed a mental health break from school and we needed time together.  It refreshed both of our souls. Kaden loves to hike and climb up whatever rock formation he can. He was tired but he wanted to climb….he did short little climbs.. I saw the benefit on his mental health by his smile, but I saw what it cost him as he dropped into the car and just crashed with exhaustion. 

This is why my son is a warrior…. he is engaging in warfare against tick borne and Epstein Barr…they are trying to take him out. His determination to not let it beat him shows his courage and vigor for the battle, but some days it feels too hard and sends him crashing mentally and emotionally.  He continues to seek God for his strength and I continue to battle with him spiritually, emotionally and mentally until we together through God’s power will win this battle. 

Will you join me in prayer that Kaden can see a victory over these diseases and we can give God all the Glory for what He has done.

Encouragement, Family, Health, Special Needs

Letting go bit by bit….

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Letting-go21It was June 2010; 2 years after Bryson had received the life changing diagnosis of Juvenile Diabetes.  Along with the other special needs that Bryson had, Brad and I still wanted Bryson to experience summer camp.  We found out about a Diabetes Camp for children held in North Webster and we decided this would be a great opportunity for Bryson to be around other kids with Diabetes.  Bryson wasn’t truly excited about going but he agreed and plans were made for him to attend.  To be really honest, I was looking forward to a break from 24/7 care of Bryson and his Diabetes.  I had booked a flight to Alberta, Canada to spend time with my sister-in-laws while Bryson was at camp.

The Sunday afternoon arrived for us to deliver Bryson to camp and I started seeing fear in Bryson’s eyes as we were finalizing packing his stuff.  He became angry and decided he was not going to camp.  The next 2 hours were some of the most difficult with Bryson.  During this stage of Bryson’s development he didn’t have control of his anger or behaviors and when he got angry you didn’t know when the kick might come or the push or hit.  Brad and I tried to reason with him that it would be a great experience for him.  I read the fear in his eyes and my mommy heart started to break, was this really what I should be doing to my son?  Finally after about 2 hours and we were pushing the deadline for check in at the camp, Bryson finally calmed down and reluctantly got in the car and we made the 45 minute drive to camp.

Checking in and meeting his counselor went smoothly and Bryson seemed to have gotten to a reserved state of mind and was obedient and corporative in looking around the camp.  We pulled the counselor aside and told him what had transpired at home and he said he would help with the transition and everything would be ok.  We started walking out of the cabin and to meet up with the other campers in Bryson’s cabin and all of a sudden Bryson realized we were going to leave.  I saw the wall build and I knew what was coming.  The counselor immediately distracted Bryson and offered to go play basketball with him.  I looked at Bryson and I told him, “you go play basketball for a while and we will be here.”  Bryson reluctantly walked away and started to play.  What we did next, as I type this still breaks my heart.  We walked away and left him; with no goodbyes… we just left.  The counselor knew what we were going to do and kept Bryson from turning to see us.  WE LEFT HIM…

I cried the entire way home and sat in his room for the next several hours after returning home. My heart was wrenched with loneliness and thoughts of what have I done to my son?  Will this scar him? Will he hate us for leaving?  Will he be ok?  Do they know how to take care of him?  I have only cried such a deep heart cry like this several times in my life.  Words can’t describe the heartbreak that I felt.  But most of all, my baby that I was caregiver for was gone for a week, I had wanted this break but at that moment I realized how much my life was all about him and his care.

The camp called us that day and told us that he was fine and had adjusted well.  I flew out the next morning for my vacation.  I had a good time with my sister –in-laws but really as I looked back on this trip, I realized how much I was trying to run away from the hurt and acceptance of having a child with so many special needs.  Running away wasn’t the answer but where I was in my journey to acceptance, this is all that I could do.

A little extra note… Bryson’s camp experience didn’t end very well, Thursday Brad got a call that Bryson had fallen at camp and so Brad had to go pick him up and sure enough Bryson had broken his right arm.  When I got the call, my heart experienced all sorts of emotions.  Here I was Bryson’s primary caregiver and I was thousands of miles away.  Brad managed fine and it was another one of those defining moments.

So why have all these memories surfaced today?  Well I had to let go a little bit more this weekend.  Bryson is currently with the Maple City Chapel Youth group at their annual retreat.  I originally wasn’t going to have him go, I knew it would take someone to be his one on one buddy and my hurts and pride thought “does anyone care to do this for Bryson?”  I was humbled again by caring hearts as the youth pastor came and talked to me about Bryson going along.  I told him my feelings and he immediately said that he would find someone to be that buddy for Bryson.  All the details got worked out and because of the Fairfield football game Bryson needed to come later to the retreat.  Another caring heart called me and offered for Bryson to travel down with her sons after the game.  After the game as the Fairfield players were dealing with the tough loss, we waited around because I wanted to make sure that Bryson was paired up with the boys taking him before we left.

Emotions surfaced again for me, I was letting go of Bryson, letting him drive 45 minutes away with 3 other teenage boys to a youth camp for 2 days, really?  As Bryson walked off the field with one of the players and I walked to the vehicle, memories of walking away 3 years ago rose in my chest.  This is a totally different situation, Bryson was excited about going… but I had to let go a bit more.

Bryson had been on my mind a lot today, I’m thinking about what his blood sugars are?  How he handled the overnight accommodations, is he fitting in?  Worried he might have a seizure.  But God is telling me as I write, I have to let go……. Yes, Bryson has limitations and is different in a lot of ways but my trying to protect him is not going to accomplish anything.  I think I ultimately never thought Bryson would be able to have experiences like these, I think I need to have an attitude adjustment and open my mind up to all the possibilities that my powerful and amazing God has for Bryson and just trust HE will provide for ALL of Bryson’s needs!!!

Letting go is good but boy is it tough……

Health

Longsuffering

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In my devotional this morning this quote stood out to me “You cannot have the fruit of longsuffering without suffering long.” I looked up longsuffering online and liked this description.

Longsuffering is love on trial. It enables you to forbear and forgive others (Colossians 3:13). As with the other manifestations of spiritual fruit, you can’t produce it in yourself. The ability to be longsuffering comes from the Holy Spirit (Colossians 1:11) and by loving God’s law. (Psalm 119:165) Longsuffering can also be referred to as patience. Patience is being mild, gentle, and constant in all circumstances. The real test of patience is not in waiting, but in how one acts while he or she is waiting. A person who has developed patience will be able to put up with things without losing his or her temper. Scripture tells us in James 1:4 “But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting (lacking) nothing.” Reaching this point is definitely a process which takes a lot of practice. However, we can learn to enjoy life where we are while we are waiting for what we desire. Reference:  http://www.christcenteredmall.com/teachings/fruits/longsuffering.htm

I realize how often I have prayed for patience/longsuffering in so many situations and my purpose behind my prayer was to “get me out“.  But this prospective turns a whole new light on it all. It is not about waiting for something to be over but in how I act and what I learn during the wait.

 As some of you know I have been dealing with Fibromyalgia like symptoms for over a year now.  In some ways I feel paralyzed and just want to figure out what is going on and “solve” the problem.  But as I am thinking this morning, how have I been acting in the midst of this trial?  I know I have been a grumbler and I know I have a right to acknowledge my pain but I can’t dwell on it and let it consume me.  I want to be a testimony for Him during this trial to praise Him, glorify Him and I know He wants to teach me more about His grace, mercy and healing power. My desire,  As I suffer long, I can see more of His love for me and surrender it all to Him!!
Health

Go Go Gadget

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I am a gadget nut!  I love to get all of the latest gadgets that are suppose to make life easier and better.  When I was newly married, I bought up every cool gadget from Pampered Chef.  In the past year it has been a Cake Pop machine, Whoopie Pie maker, quesadilla maker, spaghetti serving measurer…..etc….  My hubby just rolls his eyes and says “did you really need that?” or his next comment will be “where are you going to store that?” Oh how I love that man!!

So I have to confess, I purchased a new gadget this past week.  For once it is not something that belongs in the kitchen but it is probably my most expensive gadget yet.  My hope is that the benefits I get from this one will out weigh the cost. 

I got myself a FitBit Tracker.      This past year has been tough for me health wise and I totally stopped exercising and eating healthy.  The scale has done a good job in telling me the cold hard truth.  In the past when I get into a good exercise routine my eating habits start aligning too.  So this latest gadget is my motivational tool to getting back on track with being active.  I am one that is motivated by goals.  I have been using it for 5 days and so far I am loving it and I have reached my goals each day.  It syncs to my account on fitbit.com.  It tracks steps, floors climbed, miles, calories burned and my active score.  It also can track your sleep patterns.  I have found this part very interesting.  It tells me how long it took me to fall asleep and how many times I woke up during the night.  I know the importance of sleep to your health so this is pretty cool.   My main goals are 10000 steps, 5 miles, 10 flights of steps climbed per day.  The hardest part is reaching the 5 miles.  You can walk a lot of steps but not reach the miles marker.  I have started back on my elliptical machine, which helps get me 1 1/2 to 2 miles.

Another cool part is that it syncs with my Fitness Pal app on my iPhone.  I log my food intake on there and it syncs to my Fitbit account.  I have a clear picture at the end of my day how much food I took in and how many calories I have burned.  This past weekend while in Indy my food intake was not under control and so in the food plan part on my account it had a big “whoops you have over eaten by !!!!! calories.” The truth hurts!

So time will only tell if this gadget will help keep me on the straight path to health.  I know that it is not the gadget that will help me lose weight it is my determination and self- discipline, but hey can’t help but give this little gadget a chance!  Oh and by the way, my hubby has not stated either of the usual comments yet, but then he has seen me moving like he hasn’t for a long time, I just might get him sold on this gadget!