Stress and Anxiety

Books, Encouragement, Family, In A Stroke of Love, Memoir, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety, Uncategorized

The Unboxing Moment

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It just happened friends, my author copies of my book In a Stroke of Love arrived at my house this afternoon. It has left me with little words and big emotions.

To hold it in my hands is an insane feeling. I have been reading books since I was young and to see my name and flip through the pages and see my words, is a feeling I can’t describe.

I want to give a shout out to Justin from Advent Design LLC for updating my website. Also, to Jessi from J. Marie Photography for the photos for my social media accounts.

Thanks for subscribing, I know some of you do not have social media and I will be sending updates through email as often as I can. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram if you have social media.

If you haven’t already, preorder my book, the link is on my site. Also, I invite you to join my launch team. The link is also on my website. To get my book into more hands, I need you, my subscribers, to purchase and share the word.

Thanks for all of your support during my time in the desert moving Bryson and during the writing process. I believe the best is yet to come. My biggest thanks is to my Heavenly Father, only through Him this book is in my hands today.

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Memoir, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety, Uncategorized

A Boy and His Dog

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It was early winter of 2016, I had been heading into a deep dive of depression following Steven coming home.  Bryson had been asking for a long time for a dog, and he had an infatuation with Pomskies.  One afternoon, Bryson approached me “mom I found some pomsky puppies for sale.” I of course stopped and looked at the link through Facebook.  They were adorable.  Heading into winter it was not the best time to sell puppies and they were offering them at a discounted price.  Pomskies, at that time, were a high price item.

 I knew I was in trouble….I knew I should not go….  but I needed a diversion I needed something else to think about except the hard that my life was handing me.  I made a phone call, an appointment and soon Bryson and I were on our way.  We traversed into the backroads of  Amish County until we arrived at the Amish farm.

We approached the large white house, knocking on the door to their washroom.  We were greeted by a mom and numerous young kids, as well as five Pomsky puppies.  The puppies greeted us wagging their tails and looking for affection.  Bryson and I engaged with the puppies, petting them, and taking turns holding them.  I knew from that moment, it was over, I would be going home with a puppy!

Brad rolled his eyes at me when I told him when we returned home that we found THE ONE! I went through all the reasons this would work… Bryson would help pay for him….  Bryson had always wanted one, how can we tell him no, we tell him no so often… maybe this dog could be Bryson’s companion and learn how to detect his low blood sugars.  I thought of every probable reason to make it feel like Bryson needed a puppy and that’s exactly what happened a week later.

Bryson and I went to the Amish farmhouse and brought our puppy home, we named him Rizzo after Bryson’s favorite Chicago Cub’s baseball player.  He fast became a loved member of our family. Rizzo became my distraction and filled my time as I battled depression.

Fast forward to 2022 we had decided that Bryson and I were going on an adventure to Arizona to move him there.  We knew that bringing Rizzo along was not an idea that would work, the heat, the RV living and not knowing the dog situation with the family that he would be placed in.

Bryson was sad, it was a difficult time for him.  Rizzo wasn’t happy with our move either.  I had been his primary caregiver and I left him, abandoned him for months on end.  Brad and Ty tolerated him and his bad behaviors.  We spent lots of money with the dog sitter as Brad traveled back and forth.  We talked about finding a new home for Rizzo, Bryson was angry and told us we didn’t have the right to rehome him.  But we knew that we were not giving Rizzo what he needed.

In the summer of 2023 after I had returned home from placing Bryson in his new home, we found an amazing home for Rizzo.  Last week I received pictures of Rizzo.  He is living in Arkansas, he has five other dog companions, 2 cat companions, a gigantic, fenced backyard to play in, also he has a little boy who loves him.  Rizzo is living his best life!

As I was thinking about Rizzo and his situation, the correlation to Bryson came to mind.  It was exceedingly difficult to decide to move Bryson to Arizona and to let him go live with another family.  But this past week, seeing pictures of him on vacation with his new family, birthday, and Special Olympics pictures, I know that Bryson is also living his best life!

Even when the road ahead seems hard and doesn’t seem right…. stepping out in faith and moving on can bring the best that’s yet to come!

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

APPROVED!

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Last week we finally received good news from Arizona!

“This office has re-reviewed your appeal concerning the Division of Developmental Disabilities’ decision to deny placement in a Habilitation, Adult Developmental Home for your son, Bryson Plett. Please be advised that your appeal has been approved. The Division of Developmental Disabilities will approve placement in a Habilitation, Adult Developmental Home.”

The battle has taken almost 7 months to be fought.  Truthfully, I opened the email, read it and I was numb.  It is a cause for celebration, but the battle has been long and exhausting.  The battle didn’t end without injuries. 

We had to compromise on a few issues with Bryson’s diabetes management.

My heart, mind and body have battle scars that need to heal.

Last week I announced that I was writing a book and I wrote in my post that I wanted Bryson’s battle to be done before I announced it, but God’s promptings to make it public when I did reveal the truth of how God knows ALL. He knew that I would get the news of the approval the same week.  He needed me to step out in faith!

Thank you, prayer warriors, for your part in this adventure. I covet your continued prayers as we are still waiting for vocational rehab to start to help Bryson find a job in the Phoenix area. He isn’t fulfilled with his current day activities, and we need this to happen soon!

Encouragement, Family, Health, Stress and Anxiety

Family Update

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My posts over the past year have been mostly about Bryson’s transition to Arizona. The process has felt all-consuming at times. I have been home for three months now and feel adjusted back to life here… I think. I have no updates on Bryson’s situation, but life has continued to move ahead.

Last week Stevan came home after a year serving with YWAM Louisville.  His outreach locations were in Columbia and Brazil.

 

Kaden left on Friday for his last first day of college!  He will be completing his Business Management degree at IWU next spring.

We found a new home for Rizzo.  Rizzo has been going to a dog sitter whenever we traveled the last few years.  This family has fallen in love with Rizzo and is excited to welcome him into their family. We are sad but excited that he will be going to a family who already loves him!

Last Friday was the 20th anniversary of Brad’s ditch cave-in accident.  As I sat talking to Kaden about it, I could visualize holding him on the rocking chair when I got the call no wife wants to receive, Kaden was 4 months old. Reflecting on the memories of the following months after the accident, I am grateful that he is with me today and we can celebrate his healing and all the good memories we have made over the past 20 years.

As days, months, years move on…… it’s easy to get stuck in the hard places, in the places that push us out of our comfort zone and bring us to our knees.

 I find myself stuck often, I find myself consumed by anxiety,  I find myself doubting.

But I have grown, I have learned, I have prayed!

 I believe that in those hard places – God is faithful, God is present, God is all knowing, GOD IS GOOD – all the time – and all the time GOD IS GOOD!

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety, Type One Diabetes

Close

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The last few weeks have involved lots of emails and phone calls.  Yesterday we finally received documents that outline the new proposal from the State of Arizona with the correct terminology that we can agree on.  If we agree to this, it will be several weeks until everything is finalized.

When I have explained this to a friend what the state is proposing, she asked “isn’t this what you wanted?” Yes, I will get what I wanted and I’m thankful, but it has conditions that I strongly disagree with.  I am finding it hard to wrap my mind around the added time and energy this will put on Bryson’s new family.  Also, I’m not sure that Bryson’s health will not be compromised with these “requirements.”

We are close to the battle being over, but the battle has inflicted wounds and scars that will need time to heal. 

My mind is weary, my heart is anxious, my body is exhausted.

I’m thankful for God’s unwavering love for me!

I’m thankful for my village of friends who stand in the gap when I don’t have the strength.

My hope and prayer…… when this battle is behind me, I can shift my mind, heart, and body completely into what God has for me next.

The next chapter is coming…….

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety, Type One Diabetes

Still Waiting

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I have rediscovered in the last year how writing is healing to my soul.  I have also realized how I can “shut down” and start carrying the burdens internally.  My goal was to keep writing here frequently to share my life with you, even apart from the Bryson journey you have all been walking through with me.

Most of my posts in the past have come to me at night, bits and pieces of what I’m processing in my mind.  My mind has not been quiet, but no ideas came to my mind. I’m thankful that my sleep has improved recently, but last night, I couldn’t sleep, my mind was all over the map.  

Yesterday was a stressful day involving our situation in Arizona with Bryson.  I received information in the morning that sent my mind spiraling downward.  I strongly dislike it when I get into this place, I feel out of control mentally.  The negative thoughts, the frustration and anger, the self-doubt, the bad self-talk comes. I tell myself, that I should know better, God is in Control…. but the hard feels so overwhelming and hopeless. 

As I sat in my chair, fighting to reclaim the truth, I texted several friends what I was grateful for.  It helped, but I was still caught in that angst place all day.  Late afternoon we had a meeting again with a lot of people involved in Bryson’s case.  So thankful for technology that Brad and I could both participate in the meeting. 

We have made progress, but we still do not have a clear resolution.  They offered us a proposal, the proposal that they offered is exactly what I proposed to them 5 ½ months ago when I was first informed that they were going to deny.  The exact words from an email I received about my proposal “I elevated your last suggestion and it was indicated that it is not possible for that to occur.”  NOW, it is possible?

I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. Working with government systems that are outdated, full of bureaucracy and dealing with people who are not the decision makers but the vessels to deliver information and they can’t answer my questions.

I realized last night as my mind was on overdrive, I wanted my next post here to be titled DONE! I want this to be done, we are in the 11th month since we started this adventure. It has been 5 ½ months since they first denied our request to pay for the home we want for Bryson.

Today is a new day, a day with sunshine. I cling to the truth of God’s plan, His timing, His purposes. As most of us know, we might never have clear answers to the WHYs in our life. My mind is hopeful and less foggy to see the situation in a better light. 

Yesterday when I was fighting for hope, I picked up my Bible and opened it… This is what I read:

Samuel 2:1-2

Then Hannah prayed: “My heart rejoices in the Lord!  The Lord has made me strong.
Now I have an answer for my enemies; I rejoice because you rescued me. No one is holy like the Lord!  There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.

Micah 7:15-16

Yes,” says the Lord, “I will do mighty miracles for you, like those I did when I rescued you from slavery in Egypt.” All the nations of the world will stand amazed at what the Lord will do for you. They will be embarrassed at their feeble power. They will cover their mouths in silent awe, deaf to everything around them.

Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Update

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Last week was a whirlwind, the Elkhart County Fair happened! Brad’s niece and brother came to visit, and Bryson asked to stay so he could go to the fair a few days. He ended up being home with us for a month. 

Monday afternoon, I received a call and an email from our lawyer. DDD wanted to send in a nurse and administrator to meet Bryson and to see how the Omnipod works.  I believe God has His hand in the perfect timing of this.  I told Susan that Bryson and I were flying home that evening and I was going to be in the Valley for one day and can they meet me on Tuesday.  We now have evidence that DDD can move fast if they want! One thing I had to give up for them to come in was to push back our hearing date. I wasn’t worried, Bryson was going to be seen and the facts would prevail.

Our meeting was Tuesday afternoon, DDD sent a district nurse and DDD health Service Administrator.  Our agency sent a representative on our behalf.  I was a nervous wreak and I was also so grateful that Bryson was going to be seen.  Bryson was a total rockstar. They asked him if he could walk me through the pod change as if I had never done it before.  He did perfectly.  There were 6 adults watching him, three were strangers, and he calmly and confidently talked me through the steps.  I could tell the nurse and admin were impressed.  My hopes were high! Finally, we saw the truth and a quick decision would be made to get this all resolved.

I flew home on Wednesday and hopped right back into the craziness of fair week.  My thoughts were positive, I would hear soon from my lawyer, and I could lay this all down. I emailed our lawyer on Thursday asking her when she thought she would hear something. Her response sent me spiraling downward, she said “don’t expect to hear anything for a few weeks.”

The end is not in sight, we don’t have a new hearing date scheduled.  Our lawyer must turn in her new hearing statement on the 18th of August. There is nothing we can do to make them move. 

A dear friend reminded me to list what I am grateful for:

I am thankful for God’s hand in the timing of Bryson being seen. 

I am thankful that Bryson was happy and ready to go back to his new home in Phoenix.

I am thankful for my village who have prayed, send me encouraging words and listened to me as I have dumped out my frustrations.

I am thankful for my new kitten Leo… yes, he was probably brought home because of my need for a new distraction, but he has produced a lot of laughter in our home.

Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. 1 Chronicles 16:8

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Silence

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Sunday marks the start of a new week, a fresh start, a blank slate. Sunday also represents an end of a week, a doneness, a no going back.

Last Monday, there were a lot of conversations through email and phone calls about Bryson’s case with the State of Arizona. Our lawyer stated she was hoping to have the case wrapped up by the end of the week.

Since Monday… there has only been SILENCE. On Thursday I prayed bold, strong prayers… SILENCE.

Friday and Saturday, I did all that I could to stay busy, distractions… writing, tv watching, sleeping…to help not think about the SILENCE.

I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning, and with the quietness of the night, that SILENCE reminded me of the SILENCE I was trying to avoid. I still don’t understand, this wait, this unfinished business. My mind started circling around all the circumstances of the case; I tried to lay it down because this circling in my mind is not good for my stress level. Why God, it makes no sense why we are still waiting in this space.

So, a new week is here and this week our lawyer will have to start preparing for the hearing on August 1. None of us wanted to be heading into this week. What Lord, do I have to learn yet?

Today is supposed to be a day of rest, physically rest is available, but my mind doesn’t want to rest. Physically, we are all doing ok. Bryson is still in Goshen with us, he is enjoying his time here, but he talks about going back to The Valley. It helps me know that he is doing good. The resolution of this case isn’t affecting Bryson. I’m grateful for that. There are so many what ifs in my brain until this all gets settled. So…I will again pray with bold and strong prayers for resolution.

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Fear and Flashbacks

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I woke up at 4:30 am yesterday morning, anxious and weepy. I laid in bed for an hour crying as silently as I could. I didn’t want to get up and disturb the household. Finally, at 5:30 I ventured upstairs and started working on a puzzle to relieve my mind of all my negative thoughts.

I realized my current thoughts and anxiety were linked to past experiences that had affected my life.  Let’s flashback to the years 2014 and 2015.  Those were the intense years of Stevan’s adoption process from Jamaica.  We had to work directly with the Jamaica government, there was no rhyme or reason to when they would review our case. There was no timeline on when it would be complete and Stevan could come and join our family.  I had no control!

Yesterday afternoon, I talked to our lawyer after her phone call with the State of Arizona.  The State of Arizona wants a continuance of the hearing.  Susan, our lawyer, told the state’s attorney all the details that she has prepared in our case.  The main grounds that the State of Arizona is basing their case on is “the fear of running out of insulin”  Susan, told them that this is not a MEDICAL reason to place Bryson in a skilled nurse group home. Susan’s next words have played in my mind since the phone call “you can’t build a case on a fear you have about the future!” The State wants control!

As I ponder, control seems to be the driving force.  It is what I yearn for in many areas of my life. Last fall, while living in the RV, I read The Cost of Control: Why We Crave it, the Anxiety it Gives Us, and the Real Power God Promises by Sharon Hodde Miller. It is a powerful book of truths. Sharon states in the book “The problem is, control is a “devil’s deal.” The more we seek it, the more it betrays us. In place of predictability, it gives us anxiety. In place of certainty, it creates more complexity. And in place of unity, it divides. It’s not just that we cannot control things; it’s that we break them even more when we try.”

 It’s easy to get entangled with the need for control. Sadly, it has ruled my life. 

My anger is at the State of Arizona, but as God is revealing to me, I  need to get mad at satan and to put on my full armor and fight against the principalities, rest on God’s promises and to LET GO AND LET GOD!

A dear friend sent me an email full of the promises from God’s Word on Wednesday.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  Psalm 91:2

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13

What next? The State is asking to move the hearing back to August 1. This will give them more time to figure out a good solution for this case.  MORE TIME?!?! As of now, the brief statement needs to be submitted by July 18.  Susan believes it can be settled by then because the State’s attorney doesn’t want to spend all the time preparing her brief when she knows she can’t win.

Last night, after the phone call I needed time alone and I listened to music while I worked on the puzzle again.  The song Hallelujah Anyway by Rend Collective came on.

“Even if my daylight never dawns
Even if my breakthrough never comes
Even if I’ll fight to bring You praise
Even if my dreams fall to the ground
Even if I’m lost, I know I’m found
Even if my heart will somehow say
Hallelujah anyway.”

This morning shortly after I woke up this chant started playing in my mind….

“I believe, I believe, I believe we will win, I believe we will win! (thanks to the Fairfield sports cheering section for this)

Letting go and letting God… it’s hard in the even ifs, it’s hard in the fear, it’s hard in the flashbacks. But the ONE who saved me, will deliver me and HE HAS WON!

Desert Living, Encouragement, Family, Special Needs, Stress and Anxiety

Another Delay

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Nothing was resolved yesterday; the judge didn’t put something in her notice for our lawyer to file the brief/statement. So… another delay. Our lawyer is planning to talk to the attorney tomorrow afternoon to hopefully resolve this. That attorney is heading for vacation on Friday. I’m frustrated and tired. The final hearing is still scheduled for July 18. That is a full court hearing with testimony etc. I don’t want that.

I realized last night; I am going to the worst-case scenario… what will happen if God doesn’t provide a miracle. I spent 8 months in Arizona, I have spent hours filling out paperwork, dissected Bryson’s every ability and inability… Bryson is happy where he is living with his new family. What if they say NO again?

What is His purpose for this delay again? He is done many miracles and He can, but I also know about unanswered prayers. I try to look for the good in all of this… I’m trying.

Thankful for the words from Christine Caine this morning on Instagram “you are going to have to trust God even when you can’t trace Him. You’re going to have to replace your “what if” fears with “what if” faith. What if God comes through? Has to be bigger then, what if I fail? What if God makes a way? Has to be bigger than, what if there is no way? Remember, impossible is where God starts. Miracles are what God does.”

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. This battle has been so long.