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Lacking Joy!

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This week has been filled with tears, anxiety, heartbreak and concern as I have prayed for friends and families who have been struck with grief, diseases, sickness and hard relationships.  It has felt so heavy.  I shared with my husband Brad the other night that I miss laughter and need more joy in my life.  I know that the world is an evil place but I also know that my God is bigger and He has it under control but I sure have not been feeling it or living in that truth.

God spoke to me this morning through His Word and through an email devotional.  God wanted me to know through Colossians 1:23 “But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it.  Don’t drift away from the assurance you  received when you heard the Good News.  The Good News has been preached all over the world, and I, Paul have been appointed as God’s servant to proclaim it.”  

Then this quote came from Aletha Hintorn in my email devotional that just summed it up so well about living in the Overflow of God’s love.

“Living in the “overflow” of God’s love is not a continual euphoric feeling – walking around as if our feet are not touching the ground. It is living in the reality of our broken world, with broken families, and broken individual lives and yet keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus while serving (Hebrews 12:1). He is our example – perfect Love with skin. To live in the overflow is to become more like Jesus. It has moral, spiritual, social, emotional, and physical benefits to all who put Him first.”

I cannot remove myself from the hurt in this world.  BUT I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN HIS PERFECT LOVE FOR ME AND STAND FIRM IN THAT TRUTH!  I know the Good News, I just have to CONTINUE to believe that God is in control and in resting in that place I can have the joy and laughter He wants me to have.

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Well with my soul

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I attended a funeral this weekend of a family friend.  She was a beautiful woman who had an incredible love for her Lord, family and everyone she met.  She was only 59 years old and many of us question why someone who was such a lover of people and a generous person was taken so soon.   The funeral was one of the most beautiful that I have attended.  We sang worship songs on healing and hope.  The last song we sang was “It is Well with my Soul”  As I sang the lyrics and thought about my father’s passing and her passing,  I had to think if I really believed the words I was singing. 

  1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot,Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.

    • Refrain:
      It is well, with my soul,
      It is well, it is well, with my soul.
  2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
    Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
    And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
  3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
    My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
    Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
  4. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
    The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul.

Sorrows like sea billows roll;  Whatever my lot;  Satan should buffet; Though trials should come

Those are some pretty strong words, can I really say “it is well with my soul”

My desire is that I can cling to the words of the song that say “Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul”  He died for me and He has it in His control, I might not understand but I need to rest on that truth so I can say “IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL”
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A tribute to my Dad

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Sixteen years ago today, my dad died while on vacation in Bronson, Missouri from a heart attack.  Sixteen years seems like a long time, but the memories of that time are still so fresh in my mind. 

I remember the phone call from my mom that said he was in the hospital with chest pains but everything tested o.k. and he should be getting discharged soon.  I recall the phone call several hours later from mom saying dad just went “code blue” and then the next phone call shortly later that said he was gone.  Wow, how fast life can change. 

Other memories keep flooding through my mind….standing in my living room surrounded by friends and family praying and collapsing on the floor in grief; yelling “my dad just died” to the flight attendant on the airplane that wouldn’t let me get up to use the restroom;  later yelling at another airport worker when I couldn’t locate my brother at the airport; meeting my mother for the first time at the airport, the tears, shock and grief.  Then the long nighttime drive home from Missouri with my mother, the funeral and then a new “normal”.  I could go on and on about those memories that seem just like yesterday, but 16 years have passed and I have missed him so much.   There are so many things that he has missed out on in my life, the biggest is that he never got to meet my children, oh what a heartache that brings. 

I don’t want to stay in that place of heartache; I want to remember this great man.  My dad was a man of gentle strength, a man of few words.  But when he did speak it was with confidence and his words made an impact.  He was a man of vision and dreams.  He was an entrepreneur and great business man.  A man with only an 8th grade education but with a mind to learn and guts to try new things.  He had a heart for missions and an incredible giving spirit.  He stood up for what he believed in and stood up for those who couldn’t do it themselves.   I recall many times seeing him sitting on his chair reading his Bible.  He was a strong man of faith and had a great love for God.

Since he was man of few words, we didn’t have a lot of deep conversations but we bonded by watching IU basketball and sharing our love for sports.  Even though the conversations were not often deep, I knew the love was there.  He cared about what I was doing in life and wanted the best for me.

I know that I have been blessed to inherit some of his traits and my desire is that I can live them out with the same strength, confidence and guts that he had to follow my heart and pursue what God is calling me to.  Thank you dad for all that you did for me during the 25 years we had together.  I miss you so much!!

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Uneasy Feeling

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Do you ever have days when you carry an uneasy feeling in your stomach and feel restless but can’t pinpoint what is up?  That is me today. Here are just a few things that my mind has dealt with today. 

I got on the scale this morning, (something I am trying not to do very often) and I was down 1.8 pounds, which put a smile on my face.  But I thought about all the hard work I have ahead of me to keep that number coming down. 

Our family dog, Datzie has a dislocated knee cap and it took a turn for the worse yesterday, which raises the question, how much money do we put into her health?  I dislike watching her suffer, she is 7 years old. 

I am starting to lead a Bible study this week and am nervous and excited about it. 

I found out a family friend died today after suffering a stroke and my heart breaks for her family but also rejoicing that she is not suffering anymore and completely healed in the arms of Jesus.

Some of these things seem so minor in light of the trials I have dealt with in the past and the present heartache of death, but they all mesh together in my head, heart and have landed in my stomach.   What is important?  How many days do I have yet on this earth? Writing this has helped me process and the only thing that comes into my head is FAITH in God and endurance for each day!

I went to www.biblegateway.com  and searched endurance.  What encouragement in Romans 5:3-4  We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.

So God is working on my character today and I am to rejoice in it.  I want to remain strong in my confident hope of my loving Savior, who dealt with so many things in His days, but He endured it all and went to the cross for me.

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Our Special Weekend

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My oldest son Bryson plays for the Elkhart County Cardinals softball team, a part of Special Olympics.  This is his first year playing softball with them, he has played in the Challenger league the past 5 or so years.  Bryson loves sports and his desire is to play for all of the professional teams some day.  I love his enthusiasm and his belief in his abilities.  As a mom it is difficult to have to tell him that he can’t because of his disabilities.  Special Olympics is a great place for him to live out his dream and not be hindered by his disabilities.  This weekend was the Special Olympics Softball tourney in Indianapolis.  The Cardinals played a great game, Bryson played short stop and was 2-2 batting.  The Cardinals were awarded the gold medal and oh what excitement!!  I love the passion from each of the players, the encouragement to each other, the energy.  I want to give a big thank you to Coach Wendie, Coach Marla and Coach Jeri who put so much time into the team.  They have a great way of teaching these kids the game of softball and it is done with such love and encourgement.  I realized how we have a lot to learn from these kids.  They don’t let their disabilites stop them from life, they live it with a zealous spirit.  I overheard Coach Wendie tell someone else this weekend “these kids teach me 10 times more than I can teach them.”  I believe there is such truth in that statement.  They teach us because they live from the heart not from abilities and appearances.  As it says in the scriptures:

1 Samuel 16:7 (NLT)  But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The Lord cares about our heart!  So often we feel sorry for those who are hindered by their disabilities but maybe we need to stop and ponder on what disabilities might be blocking us from living our lives with “ALL HEART!”

Our family stayed in Indy Saturday night and we attended the Colts vs Vikings game on Sunday.  We are big time Colts fans, it has been a bit rocky the past year and we were all sad to see Peyton Manning leave but we decided we are going to dive into this new era and make the best of it!  It was a great atmosphere at the stadium and awesome that we pulled out a win!  It was also great to party with good friends, Gordon, Lynette, Ali & Kara!

A last little note, Bryson did have another seizure on Friday.  The doctor increased one of his nightly seizure meds so I pray that this is all that is needed to stop the seizure activity.  Thanks for your prayers. 

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Roller Coaster Ride

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I have only been on a roller coaster one time in my life, when I was very young.  It wasn’t a very good experience.  My stomach tossed and turned and I “threw up” all of my lunch.  I decided then that roller coasters were not for me. 

I have been on a lot of emotional roller coasters over the last 14 years and yesterday was one of those days again.  I keep hoping that I am stronger in the truth to not get on one of them but…..

On Wednesday, I took Bryson to see his Endocrinologist for his three month Diabetes checkup and even though he had been having a lot of lows in the past month the doctor  was very happy with his A1C and his overall health.  She changed some of his basal rates on his insulin pump and I drove home thanking God that everything was looking really good and stable and even his seizures have been controlled since February. 

I got a call at 12:48 p.m. yesterday from the school nurse, she told me that Bryson had experienced the weird sensation in his right side and had kind of fallen into his chair.  He was in her office and was OK but very tired.  My mind started rolling all different directions, “no not seizures again” “I just thanked you God that everything was good” “I can’t deal with this”  “it’s not fair”. All those thoughts tumbled around in my brain and settled in my heart. 

This sensation is what Bryson feels before a seizure comes on, called an aura.  The only way we know if it is a seizure or just an aura is how he responds after the episode.  All evidence says it was a seizure.  Bryson was very tired and spaced out and his blood sugar skyrocketed and he got large Ketones (a condition that left untreated can lead to a life threatening emergency).  So after realizing this was going on and having just gotten my stitches out of my hand from carpal tunnel surgery a week prior, my emotions were in a full whirlwind, flying around curves and plummeting downward and upside down.  I “threw up” in my brain. 

I send out a text to a few close friends for prayer and I believe God answered with urgency.  My emotions started landing on solid truth and I was able to process.  Bryson’s blood sugar and ketones came back to normal faster then usual.  My mind has been processing all of the events from yesterday and I realize how fast I can let my emotions control every aspect of my life.  I am so thankful for faithful friends and for a loving God who hears and restores the peace I so needed. 

Now we just have to wait to see if this seizure was just a “one time” episode or if we are back on the seizure train.  I am trying really hard to focus on God’s word that He has it all in control and to just stay on the firm foundation of His Word and not get on another emotional roller coaster ride.

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Getting Dressed

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Have you ever counted the products that you use to get dressed in the morning?  From the washcloth, soap, hair products, face products, make up, deodorant, perfume, toothbrush, the list could go on and on.  I counted mine and the count is close to 30.  Wow, it takes 30 products and about 30 minutes for me to get myself prepared in the morning.  Last week God prompted my spirit when I was getting ready as to how much time and energy I put into my physical well being and challenged me about how much time I spend getting ready spiritually, mentally and emotionally in the morning.  Which is really the most important? 

I only need one product to get ready spiritually in the morning, my Bible.  God has provided one powerful source of wisdom, encouragement in ONE BOOK.  But do I take time to “get dressed” with it in the morning?  Do I spend 30 minutes reading, listening, praying so that I am prepared to handle whatever comes my way that day? 

These are challenging thoughts that have been tumbling around in my head this past week.  My desire is to put on the whole Armor of God daily, so I can stand firm in His power. 

Ephesians 6:10-17 (NLT) The Whole Armor of God
10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we[a] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.[b] 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.[c] 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

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It takes courage!

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This is not my first blog post, that happened several years ago at pluggedinwithlife.blogspot.com.  That blog is still there but I have not been actively writing.  Instead I have been hiding out in my office at home with a desire to start writing again but realizing that I am afraid.  God has gently been reminding me in the past few days about my insecurities and fears and how staying in that place doesn’t let my trust in Him show or grow.  So here I am at the start of something new and it is taking a lot of courage on my part.  My desire is to write daily, sharing my joys, failures and fears.  As my tag line states, sharing joy, encouragement and unconditional love in service to others.  So I welcome you to journey with me as I courageously step out trusting in my Heavenly Father to give me the words to say and that as I do this, my trust in Him will show and grow.