Deep thoughts in the Desert

As I was laying in bed last night, first night of just B and me, I was reflecting on the last blog post I did in August of 2014. Kaden and I had just come home from Jamaica, and I was not in a good place with Jesus and His timing. On that trip Kaden and I had flown into Kingston airport which is not a tourist airport. It was nighttime and it was raining. My cell phone didn’t work, and I was praying that Patrick, our friend and driver, would be outside waiting for us. Walking into a dark and rainy night, our white skin stuck out in the sea of dark. Thankfully, Patrick was waiting for us, and we headed on our 2-hour journey to our “home” for the next week. I remember that drive as if it were yesterday and my thoughts of “what in the world am I doing in the middle of this small island with my 11-year-old son with no control over anything going to see this boy who God had told me was my son?”

Well, I had a thought a lot like that again, this time it is “what in the world am I doing in the middle of the desert with my oldest son and finding him a family to live with 1900 miles away from me?” When I let my mind marinate on this it feels right but oh so hard and that was the same feelings I had with the adoption process, it was right but oh so hard.

We had to wait another 11 months after Kaden and my trip in August of 2014 till Stevan made his way home. The process, the waiting, the crying out to God on what in the world He thought He was doing was exhausting and damaging to my faith…. and then Stevan came home, and I fell further downward into depression, anger, and questions. God has been faithful, and He has led me and has restored me and has shown me new ways of freedom in my relationship with Him. Now here I am again, in a place of waiting on the process, dealing with exhaustion from caregiving for Bryson. I’m waiting on a government again to move and approve what I need for Bryson’s next move. In a lot of ways this feels like a vacation, I’m surrounded by mountains, cactus, and palm trees but it’s just me and Bryson in our little home (still need a name for it). I’m now his fulltime caregiver with no one to give me a break. I’m looking forward to the day when I can have a break from caregiving Bryson and just be his mom. Then I think to what happened when I got what I had been fighting for those 2 years of the adoption process and prayers were answered and Stevan came home. It really is a scary place for me, and I covet your prayers.

So that is my deep thoughts for the day… so here is a brief look at the last two days of our adventure.

Yesterday was haircut for Bryson and on the way there we saw our first pack of wild horses. Bryson got to sit by the pool for a bit yesterday. Today we went and saw the movie Running the Bases, it is a great movie with a strong message on grief, questioning God’s ways, forgiveness and living out the life God calls you to do! Bryson played a little basketball this afternoon too.