It was June 2010; 2 years after Bryson had received the life changing diagnosis of Juvenile Diabetes. Along with the other special needs that Bryson had, Brad and I still wanted Bryson to experience summer camp. We found out about a Diabetes Camp for children held in North Webster and we decided this would be a great opportunity for Bryson to be around other kids with Diabetes. Bryson wasn’t truly excited about going but he agreed and plans were made for him to attend. To be really honest, I was looking forward to a break from 24/7 care of Bryson and his Diabetes. I had booked a flight to Alberta, Canada to spend time with my sister-in-laws while Bryson was at camp.
The Sunday afternoon arrived for us to deliver Bryson to camp and I started seeing fear in Bryson’s eyes as we were finalizing packing his stuff. He became angry and decided he was not going to camp. The next 2 hours were some of the most difficult with Bryson. During this stage of Bryson’s development he didn’t have control of his anger or behaviors and when he got angry you didn’t know when the kick might come or the push or hit. Brad and I tried to reason with him that it would be a great experience for him. I read the fear in his eyes and my mommy heart started to break, was this really what I should be doing to my son? Finally after about 2 hours and we were pushing the deadline for check in at the camp, Bryson finally calmed down and reluctantly got in the car and we made the 45 minute drive to camp.
Checking in and meeting his counselor went smoothly and Bryson seemed to have gotten to a reserved state of mind and was obedient and corporative in looking around the camp. We pulled the counselor aside and told him what had transpired at home and he said he would help with the transition and everything would be ok. We started walking out of the cabin and to meet up with the other campers in Bryson’s cabin and all of a sudden Bryson realized we were going to leave. I saw the wall build and I knew what was coming. The counselor immediately distracted Bryson and offered to go play basketball with him. I looked at Bryson and I told him, “you go play basketball for a while and we will be here.” Bryson reluctantly walked away and started to play. What we did next, as I type this still breaks my heart. We walked away and left him; with no goodbyes… we just left. The counselor knew what we were going to do and kept Bryson from turning to see us. WE LEFT HIM…
I cried the entire way home and sat in his room for the next several hours after returning home. My heart was wrenched with loneliness and thoughts of what have I done to my son? Will this scar him? Will he hate us for leaving? Will he be ok? Do they know how to take care of him? I have only cried such a deep heart cry like this several times in my life. Words can’t describe the heartbreak that I felt. But most of all, my baby that I was caregiver for was gone for a week, I had wanted this break but at that moment I realized how much my life was all about him and his care.
The camp called us that day and told us that he was fine and had adjusted well. I flew out the next morning for my vacation. I had a good time with my sister –in-laws but really as I looked back on this trip, I realized how much I was trying to run away from the hurt and acceptance of having a child with so many special needs. Running away wasn’t the answer but where I was in my journey to acceptance, this is all that I could do.
A little extra note… Bryson’s camp experience didn’t end very well, Thursday Brad got a call that Bryson had fallen at camp and so Brad had to go pick him up and sure enough Bryson had broken his right arm. When I got the call, my heart experienced all sorts of emotions. Here I was Bryson’s primary caregiver and I was thousands of miles away. Brad managed fine and it was another one of those defining moments.
So why have all these memories surfaced today? Well I had to let go a little bit more this weekend. Bryson is currently with the Maple City Chapel Youth group at their annual retreat. I originally wasn’t going to have him go, I knew it would take someone to be his one on one buddy and my hurts and pride thought “does anyone care to do this for Bryson?” I was humbled again by caring hearts as the youth pastor came and talked to me about Bryson going along. I told him my feelings and he immediately said that he would find someone to be that buddy for Bryson. All the details got worked out and because of the Fairfield football game Bryson needed to come later to the retreat. Another caring heart called me and offered for Bryson to travel down with her sons after the game. After the game as the Fairfield players were dealing with the tough loss, we waited around because I wanted to make sure that Bryson was paired up with the boys taking him before we left.
Emotions surfaced again for me, I was letting go of Bryson, letting him drive 45 minutes away with 3 other teenage boys to a youth camp for 2 days, really? As Bryson walked off the field with one of the players and I walked to the vehicle, memories of walking away 3 years ago rose in my chest. This is a totally different situation, Bryson was excited about going… but I had to let go a bit more.
Bryson had been on my mind a lot today, I’m thinking about what his blood sugars are? How he handled the overnight accommodations, is he fitting in? Worried he might have a seizure. But God is telling me as I write, I have to let go……. Yes, Bryson has limitations and is different in a lot of ways but my trying to protect him is not going to accomplish anything. I think I ultimately never thought Bryson would be able to have experiences like these, I think I need to have an attitude adjustment and open my mind up to all the possibilities that my powerful and amazing God has for Bryson and just trust HE will provide for ALL of Bryson’s needs!!!
Letting go is good but boy is it tough……
