Life changes are hard and bring so much “unknown” into the future. I have learned over the years that my “unknown” sparks my need for control. I can’t control it, so I go hunting for things that I can control and that is why I NEST….
Nesting is commonly associated with pregnancy. It makes sense, the future is unknown and what can you do while you wait and anticipate the birth. The definition of nesting is “the tendency to arrange one’s immediate surrounds, such as a workstation, to create a place where one feels secure, comfortable, or in control.”
I came home 2 weeks ago and as I had stated in an earlier post, the house needed a little TLC… I also needed something that I could physically do to distract and help me reenter life in Indiana. Within the first week I ordered a new area rug, and I started decluttering my house. I love trinkets and I would say I didn’t have an overabundance but since I have been home, I have felt like there is too much everywhere.
Last weekend, I had Brad go with me furniture hunting. Brad is aware of what I am doing. He has seen it before. He would admit he doesn’t understand this need but he was a trooper and supportive.
We have lived in our current house for almost 17 years. As I look back over these years, there were times here and there that I had experienced minor nesting episodes. Then… Stevan finally arrived home in Goshen, July of 2015. This life change altered every piece of me and our family as we knew it. I spiraled downward and my nesting tendencies intensified. I redid the entire upstairs of our home, painting, flooring, furniture, color scheme in the fall of 2015. Did it help with my spiraling depression? Yes and no, it gave me something to focus on and I could be an active participant in making my home new and beautiful.
When life seemed hard and ugly, I was fighting to see beautiful.
Next big nesting experience was in 2018. The summer of 2018 brought several traumatizing events into my life. Several months later, I redid our den, painting, wallpapering, new flooring, and new furniture. Again, I ask…did it help? Yes and no, again it gave me a project to focus on when my mental and emotional health was tanking, and my world felt out of control.
I have been in a hard space emotionally, mentally, and spiritually over the last years. God has been faithful, and He has shown me His mercy and His grace over and over. The world surrender enters my mind often and letting go of my need for control. I know it’s the best, I try, and I succeed for a bit and then I try, and I fail, repeat… repeat….
So here I am again, nesting and feeling very conflicted with this latest life change. I have felt a freedom I have never experienced before and truly starting to enjoy this new season. But also wrestling with guilt, missing Bryson, worrying about his case with the Arizona government, his future, my future.
As I wrestle with these emotions and as I write my feelings on paper, God speaks to me…
“Your need to make things beautiful in your world is ok… but MY way, MY plan… I got this for you, I have beautiful plans for you… trust me daughter… it’s ok to let go and rest.”
