I have rediscovered in the last year how writing is healing to my soul. I have also realized how I can “shut down” and start carrying the burdens internally. My goal was to keep writing here frequently to share my life with you, even apart from the Bryson journey you have all been walking through with me.
Most of my posts in the past have come to me at night, bits and pieces of what I’m processing in my mind. My mind has not been quiet, but no ideas came to my mind. I’m thankful that my sleep has improved recently, but last night, I couldn’t sleep, my mind was all over the map.
Yesterday was a stressful day involving our situation in Arizona with Bryson. I received information in the morning that sent my mind spiraling downward. I strongly dislike it when I get into this place, I feel out of control mentally. The negative thoughts, the frustration and anger, the self-doubt, the bad self-talk comes. I tell myself, that I should know better, God is in Control…. but the hard feels so overwhelming and hopeless.
As I sat in my chair, fighting to reclaim the truth, I texted several friends what I was grateful for. It helped, but I was still caught in that angst place all day. Late afternoon we had a meeting again with a lot of people involved in Bryson’s case. So thankful for technology that Brad and I could both participate in the meeting.
We have made progress, but we still do not have a clear resolution. They offered us a proposal, the proposal that they offered is exactly what I proposed to them 5 ½ months ago when I was first informed that they were going to deny. The exact words from an email I received about my proposal “I elevated your last suggestion and it was indicated that it is not possible for that to occur.” NOW, it is possible?
I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. Working with government systems that are outdated, full of bureaucracy and dealing with people who are not the decision makers but the vessels to deliver information and they can’t answer my questions.
I realized last night as my mind was on overdrive, I wanted my next post here to be titled DONE! I want this to be done, we are in the 11th month since we started this adventure. It has been 5 ½ months since they first denied our request to pay for the home we want for Bryson.
Today is a new day, a day with sunshine. I cling to the truth of God’s plan, His timing, His purposes. As most of us know, we might never have clear answers to the WHYs in our life. My mind is hopeful and less foggy to see the situation in a better light.
Yesterday when I was fighting for hope, I picked up my Bible and opened it… This is what I read:
Samuel 2:1-2
Then Hannah prayed: “My heart rejoices in the Lord! The Lord has made me strong.
Now I have an answer for my enemies; I rejoice because you rescued me. No one is holy like the Lord! There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.
Micah 7:15-16
Yes,” says the Lord, “I will do mighty miracles for you, like those I did when I rescued you from slavery in Egypt.” All the nations of the world will stand amazed at what the Lord will do for you. They will be embarrassed at their feeble power. They will cover their mouths in silent awe, deaf to everything around them.
Continue to make Lisa strong by your mighty hand!!
Wow Lisa! I know you are exhausted and frustrated but you are also an inspiration, most certainly to me!! You keep your eyes on God and He hears you; and He is faithful and just!! I also think you’re brilliant when you say that writing is healing to the soul. I’m reading a book where a neuro-theologian reports, “When a person tells her story and is truly heard and understood, both she and the listener undergo actual changes in their brain circuitry. They feel a greater sense of emotional and relational connection, decreased anxiety, and greater awareness of and compassion for others’ suffering.” I believe this is what James 5:16 is trying to teach us! Continued blessings as you walk this road!!