It is almost midnight and I can’t sleep, my mind has been racing with lots of thoughts about my emotions this week. The more I laid in bed the sadder I became and the more grief I felt…… Yes, I ate deep fried fair food tonight and feel horrible physically but I know my inward grief isn’t from that, this is what my grief is from:
1. It is Tuesday night and I haven’t heard from Jamaica which means my August Miracle of Stevan coming home soon is pretty well over.
2. Monday, I carried a bright orange paper to the fair which declared Disability Awareness day at the fair…. A bright reminder that my son qualifies for that….. He participated in the 5 skill events, most which were way below his level…. But he did them….. We cheered… He won the basketball shooting skill… made it into an article in the newspaper about “special Needs” day…. How much louder can the TRUTH BE???
3. My three boys participated Monday afternoon in the 3 point barn ball competition. Bryson playing with the “normal” boys. Got lots of cheers!! He and Ty both sank 5 out of 10 baskets in their age group and participated in a shoot out with 4 other boys. I cheered against the others, Bryson missed his shot…. Can’t win there……
4. Sat by myself in the grandstands to watch harness racing today, good thing I was wearing sunglasses so no one saw my eyes. I didn’t expect the emotion it stirred up. The missing of my daddy. The remembering of sitting with him at the fair. Feeling jealous hearing about other families sitting together enjoying each other; a father and grandfather present.
5. Took Bryson to Special Olympics softball practice tonight; he got to pitch… JUST WHAT HE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO, he pitched with accuracy and strength. As a mom on the sidelines I studied him as he tucked his mitt under his right arm, pitched the ball and then hurried and put his hand into his mitt, caught the ball returned from the catcher, put the mitt under his right arm again pulled the ball out and did it again. He did it for almost 1 ½ hours…… He was HAPPY…. During his batting practice, he went through the motions of swinging his bat just like the big leaguers do, he hit the ball well….. but the ball just went into the outfield because the others on the team had lost interest a long time ago. As we walked out… I felt it, He got to do what he wanted but he knew nobody else really cares about this like he does… NO ONE WAS CHEERING FOR HIM… TO HIM THIS IS HIS TALENT…. Does anybody care? He never complains but I felt it in the silence from HIM… it hurts!
6. Ty and Kaden both have gone to the fair with friends; Bryson has asked me about him going with his friends… I skirt the subject I tell him how much fun he will have with his “PAID FRIEND” (respite worker) on Thursday when he goes with him. YEP…. I have to pay someone to take Bryson to the fair……. I have been thinking about this a lot in the last hour… I think the word friend has become so watered down… what is a friend? BRYSON IS EVERYONE’S FRIEND AND EVERYONE LIKES BRYSON… kind of like FACEBOOK…. We LIKE our friend’s posts but do we really CARE ABOUT THEM AS A PERSON???? In the olden days FRIENDS hang out together, talk, laugh CARE…. As Bryson has gotten older, his world has gotten smaller….. NO ONE CALLS, TEXTS, INVITES HIM TO PARTIES, HANGS WITH HIM…… (yes there have been a few bright spots) BUT….in the realm of a 16 year olds life……….
7. 16 years old should mean freedom, pictures and posts of driver’s licenses popping up all over his FACEBOOK account… “mom when can I drive?” CONSTANT REMINDERS that he is on the sidelines and SO AM I.
So here I am after midnight now and I have dumped my feelings onto paper…. Do I feel better? NO… IT REALLY HURTS…. I haven’t even talked about FOOTBALL…. He loves football but he is on the sidelines there too…… He loves to be a manager…. BUT HE KNOWS… HE KNOWS he will never play the game… Have any of you ever seen how ACCURATE AND GOOD HE CAN THROW? NOPE….. all the things that Bryson does well are performed in our front yard, barns at the fair or ball diamonds in Elkhart where NO ONE SEES… because he can’t be ON THE FIELD…. HE WILL be on the sidelines or OFF in the “NOT REAL” SPORTS WORLD.
I haven’t even talked about TYPE 1 DIABETES…. THERE IS NO CURE… this isn’t the DIABETES THE WORLD TALKS ABOUT “just more exercise and eat healthy” THIS IS A LIFE SENTENCE. This disease has made him more on the sidelines for independence then his mental and physically disabilities in lots of ways……..
This momma heart is deep in grief for one son….. HE HAS SUCH BIG DREAMS… A HUGE HEART…. But deep down I know HE HATES BEING ON THE SIDELINES….. ANOTHER son far far away that I have spent 1 hour with in his 12 years of life… BIRTH CERTIFICATE SAYS “Father Unknown, mother unknown” who continues to live behind concrete walls and barb wire for a few more months, deep down I know HE HATES BEING ON THE SIDELINES TOO…. He needs his family.
My last blog was about God’s timing and I don’t understand it; tonight I don’t understand God’s playing rules either….. there are all sorts of BIBLE VERSES that can be quoted and DEEP DOWN I know truth…. Right now if the house was not dark and everyone else was sleeping… I THINK I WOULD LET OUT A LOUD ROAR OF PAIN……. BUT INSTEAD I will crawl back into bed and cry and watch my son’s life on the sidelines again tomorrow and pray the pain will go away.