The week before we left for Jamaica I was an emotional wreak. I was hearing conflicting reports about things in Jamaica and just didn’t know what to believe. I shared this will some of my friends and I told them I was on a roller coaster ride. I DON’T LIKE roller coasters. There are two reasons why I don’t; first I get physically sick when I am on one. My stomach just can’t handle the curves and up and down moves. Second of all, I like to be in control, I want a firm grip on what goes on in my life.
One of my friends responded to my email about my emotional mess with these words “Just thinking to the subject ‘roller coaster ride’ … that it is for sure….and what is good about a roller coaster?!? Riding with your hands up, letting go of everything – especially expectations and enjoy the wild and crazy ride! Be carefree – not because you don’t care, but because you TRUST the ONE TRUE GOD!”
Do you remember what I just said was my second reason I don’t like roller coasters? She truly challenged me when I read it. I copied the quote onto another piece of paper and packed it to take with me to Jamaica. I also mentally put the image of my hands up in the air in totally surrender to God as I boarded the flight to Jamaica. I wanted to let go and TRUST, I wanted to put my hands up, but to be honest I was terrified.
We went to a resort for the first 2 days and yes I enjoyed the time together, swimming and soaking up the sun but I was not relaxed, I still held a firm grip onto my worries. My stomach continued to churn on occasion. I kept bringing up the image of my hands up, I read through my devotions and pleaded with God to help me BELIEVE AND TRUST HIM. My heart believed but my head was holding on to all the details and worldly concerns.
Tuesday we left Montego Bay to head for Mandeville where we would be staying for the next 3 days. The distance between these two places is not far, but it is about a 4 hour journey due to hair pin curves, pot holes and narrow roads through the mountains. I trusted our driver, but my reason one of not liking roller coasters became obvious as I had to bury my head in Brad’s lap with my eyes tightly closed to survive the nauseous waves that would go through me. We arrived safely to our home in Mandeville. Our family stayed in a 2 bedroom rental. No internet, no phone, no TV… we were told to not go outside the locked gates of the house. Our driver left and it was just our family left there in the middle of this tiny island far far from home. Bryson’s comment was that we were like the Amish; Ty clarified that at least we had electricity!!! I caught Ty standing by the locked and barred screen door and asked him if he felt like he was in prison, he answered with a yes. Through all the differences, we settled in…. we were served amazing Jamaican food by our beautiful cook Karen. We bonded together as a family in a way we probably hadn’t before.
Tuesday night, I couldn’t fall asleep right away, getting used to the dogs barking and other noises of the neighborhood. As I lay in bed, I cried out to God for complete TRUST…. HE heard me and reminded me of his miraculous power and I cried myself to sleep. I woke up early Wednesday morning and went to spend some time in the Word. This is the scripture He gave to me; Isaiah 41:13 For I hold you by your right hand- I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, Don’t be afraid, I am here to help you. God was moving, I felt the grip start to loosen, I was totally out of my element and it was GOOD because HE had my hand, He was there to help!
On Wednesday we sent the boys off to a Basic school (3-6 years olds) with the youth group from Brad’s home church in Manitoba, Canada. (The youth leaders were Brad’s niece and nephew) Brad and I headed to Kingston with our Jamaican friend, Patrick to meet with Stephen’s social worker. Our meeting with her was brief but good. She clarified that Stephen had no family and was available. All that needed to happen to make sure things were fair was to run through their database to make sure that no other family had applied before us for a 12 year old boy. Most people want to adopt 2-6 year olds so I wasn’t worried, but I just wanted to KNOW. We were told that we would know by the end of the week. (we haven’t heard yet) but I’m OK with that. I had shared with the social worker and adoption coordinator at the agency about how God directly spoke to me about Stephen being a part of our family. It seemed from their reactions that they were both Christians, they just stated “if it is God’s will it will happen.” I let go a bit more of my grip, God is working….. He has people in place that BELIEVE.
Brad’s niece and husband are in the process of adopting an 8 year old boy from the same orphanage as Stephen. They had been having a hard time with some of the workers and weren’t sure that they would get to see their son. We had been given a letter on Wednesday that gave permission for us to go to the orphanage and see Stephen on Thursday. So Thursday morning, I went with them to see their social worker. After discussion and several phone calls, the plan was for the orphanage director to bring both boys to the agency at 4:00 that afternoon. I had been up at 5 that morning and spend time pleading and seeking God for a miracle for them to see their son. I saw God moving again and I could feel myself let go even more of my grip. At first I was disappointed that we wouldn’t get to go to the orphanage for the whole family to see where Stephen lived. But God revealed later to us; HIS plans were better than ours.
We send Thursday with the youth group going again to the basic school the boys had been at the day before. They were having their annual sports day. It was fun to watch these kids participate in their races. I couldn’t keep from checking the time often. The time felt like it was going so slow. I was going to meet Stephen again, this time with a love in my heart that had been beautifully placed there by God. What exactly do you ask a 12 year old boy? What do you talk about? I didn’t want to overwhelm him with five people surrounding him asking questions.
We arrived to the agency before 4 and I set in the back of the van for awhile seeking God’s face for wisdom and peace. The sky produced a heavy rainfall and we had to run into the agency. We were called back and into the room, there he sat in a big board room chair. The boy who had captured my heart. As Bryson, Ty and Kaden entered the room, Brad asked Stephen if he remembered Ty and the way Stephen’s eyes lit up, I think there was some recognition. We used pictures from my phone to break the ice. Showing him pictures from our trip up till then in Jamaica and pictures from home. Then we started asking him questions. He wrote the answers out on a piece of paper and nerves started to calm down and there were smiles and bonding started to happen. My mind raced at all that we should ask him, we kept it to fairly light questions; favorite sport, food, color etc. Finally I leaned over and asked “Stephen do you know that we want to make you part of our family?” He replied quickly acknowledging that he had known before. I was relieved because he didn’t seem upset or too scared. I felt that words were said in peace.
I had been worrying that maybe I was wrong in my impression of him at our first meeting last July. But after a short time of interaction it was confirmed that my impressions were right, a beautiful, kind, soft spoken and smart boy. It was awesome for me to watch Brad and Stephen bond. My amazing husband, who said YES with total blind faith about this boy. Brad told me later how he had been worried too if I had been accurate on my impression of Stephen. We took pictures and the hour went too fast. We told him we had no idea how long it would be but we would come get him and we left him there. My heart ached but also I felt this flooding of peace that he would be OK, God had Stephen in the palm of HIS hand, I can TRUST. AS we walked outside the rain had stopped and it had cooled the temp down, it was like God was breathing a freshness into me. I felt a lightness about me and as I think about it now I think my hands were up in the air with open palms.
My life journey has been filled with many roller coaster rides full of UPS, DOWNS and twisting TURNS. I found God’s comfort through the loss of my dad; peace and courage through Brad’s accident and lung surgery. I have felt God’s strength, hope and understanding through the life of Bryson. Each of these experiences have brought me to a new place of trust and to a deeper place of fellowship with God. But I have to be honest this journey that started on November 7th has taken me to a place that I haven’t experienced before. Each of the other experiences were out of my control to start with; I had to rely on God and trust HIM because of what had been given to me. This journey I CHOOSE; I answered with a YES; I stepped out into the UNKNOWN; I put myself on this roller coaster ride! With one obedient step I got into the coaster car along with my family; I fastened my seat belt and I told God GO…… I’m all in, I’m here for the ride that you have called me too…… Yes, I know that it has taken me awhile, (I’m a slow truster) and because I’m not perfect I will find myself griping the bar with white knuckles again. I don’t have clear answers or a timeline for this journey, but for now I am going to put my hands up, let go of my expectations and enjoy this wild and crazy ride with HIM.
